A Hopeful Shade of Drama

The Becca Plan

2008-10-04T23:38:00.003-05:00

Alrighty!
After being side tracked a bit -- by men, of course -- I'm back on track to getting better. I want to define what that means to me.

First, I want to stop dating. I seem to have a serious problem with always needing or wanting a man around, so much so that I will spend time with a man I know I am not interested in, just to keep from being lonely. That's not right. And even if I meet someone great, I cannot date anyone right now. For real. No crushes even. I need to focus on myself. I bought myself a ring tonight. It symbolizes being committed to getting to know and love Becca.

Second, I want to get my finances in order. After being unemployed, and then under employed I dug myself quite a hole. I've been sued for foreclosure on my house. I'm currently working on short selling my house and this will help me in several ways. First I won't have a foreclosure on my credit report, second it will get me out of the house I bought and shared with my ex husband. I will get a fresh start in a new place, that will fit my current income and abilities (I'm just not able to or interested in caring for a house by myself). I'm paid weekly, and I'm slowly getting caught up on all my bills. Once I do that I can take steps to consolidate some of them, or rework lower monthly payments. I also need to STOP BUYING STUFF. I've become such a shopaholic, I disgust myself. Especially since this is exactly when I cannot afford to be so loose with my money.

Third, I want to start volunteering. I do like my job, but it is not something I'm passionate about. I believe being involved in something I'm passionate about will be an excellent way to get to know and love myself. There's a Methodist church in town I think I've mentioned before, that has so many great programs for the community, and I'd like to help out there. Starting slow, maybe once a week, and not over-committing myself so that I get burned out and quit altogether.

Perhaps fourth, I need therapy. I don't go to school at the moment (that's something else I need to figure out) so I no longer have access to the free counselling I was getting at AU. My doctor recommended I go to the Anderson Center and had them call me to make an appt, but I do not currently have insurance. In two months I will, although I'll also have a $3000 deductible, so I'll have to figure something out, there. But it's important that I find the right person. After the therapist at school, I find I need someone I can connect with, I would like to feel better coming out of therapy, not worse. I also will not stand for someone who blames my problems on my parents -- they're not perfect, but I refuse to believe I was anything but amazingly lucky growing up.

This is only the beginning of my plan. I need some daily routine things, that will help me make good choices and keep me from falling back into paralyzing depression and debt. I would really love to find a church I can be active in, but at the moment I'm enjoying my dad's sermons. He really is brilliant:) Also we have communion every week, and this has been such a blessing for me. It's a weekly recommitment to my relationship with Jesus, who knows I need that recommitment weekly.

It's gonna happen when it's supposed to happen

2008-09-15T22:11:00.003-05:00

Hmm, haven't been here in awhile...haven't felt inspired to write. If you read this blog, you most likely already know I was unemployed for two months, then worked for Ashley Furniture for three. I just started a new job last week in Anderson, with Low Cost Mobility. I verify insurance (mostly Medicare) for people who want to look into getting a power wheelchair or scooter. It's not exciting, but it's nice to have a set schedule, weekends off, and only have a 5 minute drive to work, as opposed to the 45 minutes to Ashley.

So I've been having a hard time, but I'm really working to feel better. I think I've gotten a realistic view of my past relationships, and the fact that I wasn't ready for any of them. I was/am trying to keep up my role of wife that I enjoyed, even if I didn't like my husband. I feel like I was created to be a partner, but I have to be solid on my own before I'm any good to someone else. Of course people have been saying that to me for years and years, and it always sounded like crap, frankly. It's like when they say, "everything happens for a reason," or whatever. It may be true, but to someone in true pain, it is NOT comforting. And it sounds like a copout.

The funny thing is, I didn't come to this realization until I found a Real.Good.Man. He lives a good three hours away, and of course there are other complications so at the moment we can't be together. And even though it makes me sad, I'm okay with it because in the admittedly short time I've known him, I have been set free from the fear of having to settle (it was more of an assumption, really). So I can relax and take the time to become the better Becca on my own, while he gets to know himself, too. I know he'll still be there. And even if he's not The One, I know there are men like him out there, who want to be with me and make me want to be the best Becca.

Okay, that's the end. I blog about boys too much;)
No more (alright well, not as much:). I'm going to start blogging again, and it's going to be good, so stay tuned:)

Sunny Side UP

2008-02-27T07:34:00.003-06:00

Hello Kiddos!
It's time for an update with Becca!

It's out! The news it out. I am resigning from my job, last day will be March 16, Palm Sunday. My letter to Staff Parish was read on Monday (apparently they were more concerned about my Media Shout duties than the Director of Youth Ministries Duties...what does that say, exactly?) and I'm sending out a letter to the kids this week. Although I felt a letter was too impersonal for some of the ones I'm close to, so I had them over last night for pizza. We had a great time, and they took it pretty well, although a couple of them already knew. Ah, church. Gossip central, I love the irony.

I have to admit I'm really looking forward to trying out new churches. I can't wait to just be a member and do what I want to do -- youth related or not. I really connect with teens, so I'm sure I'll volunteer somewhere.

I'm also hoping to volunteer at a new transitional house for men coming out of jail or prison. The founder of the program is a Methodist pastor, and friends with my dad -- also someone I highly respect. I hope I can help him develop the same program for women -- that is really where my passion is.

Okay, so far things sound good, but it's me, so here's the bad news:) I thought I had a job lined up when the pastors and I decided on my resignation date, but that job fell through. So now I have three weeks to find something. I'm not panicking yet, I applied for more than 13 jobs yesterday, most of them very promising, and most of them very interesting to me. So even the bad news is promising. Gosh I didn't know how optimistic I was about this whole thing until now:)

If I were forced...

2008-02-06T16:54:00.000-06:00

I got this quiz from Marko of Youth Specialties. 30% seems kind of high...
30%

good stuff (continuing with the uncreative blog titles)

2008-01-25T13:48:00.000-06:00

Things that currently make me happy (other than the regular family, pets and Eric):
1. Commentary on The Office DVDs...I know, commentaries are not cool, but I love them -- I love behind-the-scenes info, and these all seem like people who would be so fun to hang out with.

2. Making Jewelry...I got into it before Christmas, but I'm making new pieces every day now...so I decided I needed to sell it because what else am I going to do with it all? It's completely relaxing, and makes me feel like I'm being productive in some way. It's also nice to have a creative outlet. I'm not an entrepreneur in any way, so I wouldn't really go on Etsy or Ebay. I've given stuff to a lot of friends, and when they get compliments, they pass the word on. My mom has tons:)

3. occasional spurts of motivation...not often or long enough to call energy or normalcy, but the last couple days I've been doing the things I had pretty much given up for a couple months. Such as putting out the garbage, paying bills, and cleaning off my desk at work. Now if I could only get that resume completed and sent in, I'd be in good shape:)

4. My new neighbor...when the old lady next door passed away, her house was empty for about 5 months at least. Her grandson bought the house from her daughters, and it's nice to have a dude living next door...we've only talked once, but he seems nice, and basically it makes me feel safer.

5. Packages in the mail...with all the jewelry making, I've ordered tons of beads and findings and chains from Etsy and other online bead stores. It's fun to get the packages in the mail, it's like little gifts I forgot I paid for myself:)

6. Class...I'm only in one this semester, and it already looks to be a boring class (interesting subject matter, but uninteresting professor). However three of my closest seminary friends are in this class, and it's so nice to see them regularly again. I also found out that this guy who started seminary with us thinks I'm a hero. Okay, so this guy has always intimidated me because he is terribly good looking (and uncommonly nice), so when Cute Guy told me he thought it was so cool I'm so passionate about prison ministry (especially being a woman) I'm sure I must have blushed:)

7. Staff...Still feeling as though I need to find another job, but I'm becoming better friends with the rest of the staff (other than the pastor). It's nice.

8. Cherry Coke. My new drink of choice.

stuff

2008-01-16T22:11:00.000-06:00

So I don't feel like blogging but apparently people want me to.

I had an awesome visit with my brother in Portland right after new years. I met his new girlfriend who is THE RADDEST and I hope they can stay together for a long time. They are really good together, they even fight well, which to me is a sign of a healthy relationship that can last. I've always wanted a sister, it would be cool if she could be one...she and I have a lot in common.

My ex-husband's girlfriend is preggers. He waited two months to tell me because he thought it would upset me, with good reason. But it doesn't upset me in the least...and I really can't tell you why, because as I said, he had good reason to think it would...

I was on Effexor for about a month or so, and ran out of it last Thursday...but I get it from the AU health services for free, and since it was winter break, they weren't seeing students...I was off of my anti-depressant for 5 days, and if I learned anything in that time, it was that the drug helps, and I am a complete disaster without it. I had a huge breakdown on Monday, so bad that my parents were afraid I would hurt myself -- I didn't ever want to hurt myself, but I was such a mess, I understand why they thought it would be an issue. I told them I think perhaps I would benefit from staying in a hospital for awhile, because I don't know how to take care of myself, and the therapy/medication I've had so far has helped a bit, but not to the point that I feel like I can function as a "normal" human being. Besides crashing mentally, I was extremely dizzy and nauseous for three days...but as soon as I started back on the medication, I felt much better all around...

Also Eric came today to help me get to the doctor (dizzy and driving are not a good combination), and also gave me seasons 1 and 3 of the Office (my mom gave me season 2 for christmas). So today was pretty good. Don't ask about the Eric thing because I don't know what's going on, all I know is that when I'm with him, I'm happy, and that he's never anything but supportive. I don't know if that's enough, but he's pretty much the only human being I am completely comfortable being myself around, and that is not my usual dramatics, it's the truth. It's true that he can't be everything I need at the moment, having indefinite sole custody of his son and living 3 hours away now...but honestly no one else in my life right now helps me feel as at ease as he does. No one else gives me that feeling of relief, and complete understanding, and well he's someone I can lean on who can handle it -- and keep me from falling flat. At this point, I don't care if he's "the one" or whatever. I'm a mess, and he makes me feel normal.

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-19T07:56:00.000-06:00

Hello! You should go to this website for a fun Elf snowball fight! Son of a Nutcracker!

An update

2007-12-18T14:33:00.000-06:00

So here's what's been going on:

Therapist: I saw my therapist for the last time last Wednesday. Apparently they only allow you to see a counselor for one semester. They started me on Effexor XR a couple weeks ago...it has affected my apatite (pretty much only eating one meal a day) and my sleeping habits (I conk out super early, but it's much easier to get up earlier too). It has helped my anxiety, and kind of the focus/depression issues, but I still seriously lack motivation. Perhaps that's another issue all together.

School: I took an Incomplete in my Theology of Specialized Ministries class -- I just absolutely could not do the work. It is to be completed by March 3 for my grade to be changed. I'm hoping the meds aren't at their full working capacity yet, and that I'll be able to focus a little better in order to complete the work. In Constructive Theology, I completed all the work with pretty good grades except one paper I could not make myself do, which was 15% of my grade...I hope I pass. Next semester I plan to only take one class, in the evening, so I will be able to get more out of it, and also to complete the other class.

UPDATE: I got a C- in Constructive with that missing paper. That is the lowest grade you can get and still pass...so I guess it's good news, but I can't really feel good about it.

Work: I'm thinking of canceling our annual New Years Lock In. First there doesn't seem to be much interest, second I don't have any help except for my friend John Bundick (you have to say his whole name when you speak of him). Which don't get me wrong, John Bundick is a gifted youth minister who would be tremendous help, but it's always good to have more than two adults at something like this...and if I'm honest, I have no desire to stay up all night. I'm thinking perhaps we can do a lock in later in the year...

UPDATE: I did cancel the Lock In...haven't heard anything from anyone in response yet. John Bundick and I are discussing making our Winter Luau a Lock In event, when we have our youth groups together in February.

Family: My brother's girlfriend (Erin) has bought me a plane ticket to come to visit the two of them in Portland, Oregon. I am super stoked! I miss my brother a lot, and I'm dying to meet Erin -- she just seems awesome. My parents are going right after Christmas, but I can't go then because of work. I'm going Jan 2-5, and I really can't wait.

So there you go, John Bundick, I updated.

Dear Becca,

2007-12-04T13:23:00.000-06:00

Here are some of the things you learned from being married to Chris:
1. When he said you couldn't make it on your own, it was said out of fear, and is not true.
2. You are better off being single forever than being married to him.
3. You CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens you.
4. You recognized the things about yourself you didn't like, and made steps to change them (like denying your true self to make him happy -- or to keep him from getting angry).
5. You have been able to turn the pain into a witness for God, and share it with other broken women.

Here's what I want you to remember. Even if it took you 4+ years to leave, YOU DID IT. You could have stayed longer, and even now, you can't even see how you possibly stayed that long. Even if it took every ounce of courage you could muster, even if he had to practically drag it out of you, even if you were scared shitless, YOU DID IT. You did it -- you're out. This is what you used to dream about.

And I forgive you. I forgive you for staying so long. I forgive you for compromising your integrity. For believing anything that came out of his mouth. For enabling him to continue his behavior. For going against God's will. I forgive you for making this mistake. I forgive you for knowing it was a mistake and doing it anyway. The hardest part is over. It's part of who you are, yes, but just a small piece of many. You learned from it, and have become stronger because of it. You are the Beloved. Jesus' love and support will sustain you -- don't lower your standards for any man! That is definitely something else you learned from being married to Chris.

Love,
Becca

Some Stuff

2007-11-28T13:19:00.001-06:00

Here's some stuff:

1) I went to Lafayette last Friday. Got to see Amy (and Trevor and Kalli!) which was glorious as always. We had girly drinks, which was fun since I've become such a beer drinker. (clarification: not that I drink beer all the time, just that on the rare occasion that I drink, it's almost always beer.)

2) My professor asked if I might be bipolar. My therapist doesn't think so, but I'm going to talk to the doctor about it, when I go Friday to see if I can go on anti-depressants. My therapist thinks either way, I need the medication to help me focus. I say amen and amen.

3) I am on a 12 week plan. I haven't figured out exactly what that means, but it sounded good. I am exploring the possibility of moving to Fort Wayne. I would say the biggest piece of this puzzle is moving out of my house. I don't know how long it will take to sell, but wherever I go, I need to get out of the house filled with memories of a bad marriage. I do not seem to have the support of my parents on this issue, perhaps because they just spent some fat cash having my kitchen painted.

4) I'm not good at letting go...I'll just leave it at that.

5) If you are a female friend of mine and we will be exchanging Christmas gifts, I'll tell you now you will probably be getting handmade jewelry. I've ordered awesome beads, findings and chains from Etsy, and visited Hobby Lobby today for some other stuff...I've already started working on some pieces, having a creative outlet is so releasing for me.

Dear Eric,

2007-11-20T15:02:00.000-06:00

I am so glad we talked today, it helped me with closure, I hope it did the same for you. I did cry when we hung up, because I know it will be a long time before we talk again, but as I said, I am hopeful there will be a time when that is possible.

I hope you can find peace and happiness, there is nothing I wish for you more. You have touched my life in a profound way. We both ignored the signs that it wouldn't work out because we were blinded by how much we cared about each other.

You were the first man to love me for who I am, and I will never forget you for it. Thank you for all the joy you brought me, that's what I'll remember.

Good Luck.

Goodbye.

Take Care of Yourself -- I mean that.

falling back down

2007-11-19T22:23:00.001-06:00

Well, it started pretty much as soon as I woke up this morning. I didn't want to come home, the fairytale is over...

I'm again in an empty, dirty house. I've broken the heart of someone very dear to me. I've got expectations from a job that no longer feels like a ministry but a chore. I've got expectations from school I feel no desire or drive to complete. I've pretty much been crying all evening. I laid down on my face in submission -- I give up!!! Give me peace, dear God!!

You know, whenever I write blogs like this, I feel embarrassed...like someone will think my problems are exagerated, that I'm being overly dramatic, that I have not earned the pain I feel. I just feel so lost and alone. And I feel like it's my own fault for feeling this way. How can I possibly deserve or continue to carry that weight? Why can't I sustain the trust I was beginning to build back? I feel like God must be trying to help me, but I can't see the forest through the trees.

I continue to pray and ask for prayers. I receive your prayers, they do comfort and bless me. Thank you so much!

Reflections

2007-11-18T22:44:00.001-06:00

Last day of the convention.
I decided to write now because when I get home, I have two papers to write and I'm already exhausted...I'm really so tired, my legs and feet are swollen from all the walking...however my sore back neck and head all feel better today...those seemed to be stress related. I sound like an old lady:)

So the convention has been very good. I heard several AMAZING speakers including Phyllis Tickle, Les Christie and Doug Fields...not to mention my sensei Mike King:) I would seriously consider moving to Kansas City to learn to be a disciple from Mike, he had that great an impact on me. Oh I probably won't, but I would consider:)

You know what's nice? Putting on lotion in the morning and still being able to smell it on your skin at midnight:)

I have made a great friend in the girl I roomed with this weekend. A wonderful person with whom I look forward to staying in touch. I also got much closer with a Seminary friend. It's so nice to have people with whom you can share something like this, new people to trust and laugh with.

I know that while this weekend has indeed been Life Changing that it doesn't mean my depression is gone...I know that just because I feel pretty good right now doesn't mean it will last. But I now have so much more hope, and that is what I was seriously lacking. I know I deserve a partner who can be present physically and emotionally, someone who makes me a better person and I believe I will find him when I'm ready. I know that no matter what happens with my job, the world won't fall apart, and that people can be more understanding that I give them credit for. And best of all, I know I am loved. By God, by my wonderful friends and mentors, by my family. So these things will be incredible weapons against the depression. There is still a good amount of pain, especially when I think about Eric. I know it was the right thing to do, but it breaks my heart. He's a good man, and I hope he finds peace in his life. He deserves it.

Well compadres, I'm sleepy...gotta flight tomorrow afternoon, then two papers to write. Gross, I'm so drained. I should be back in my little house by 3. God bless you!

Proof that prayer works

2007-11-16T19:18:00.000-06:00

So lately, I've been depressed (have you noticed? :) and I have had many people pray for me, with me, around me. People who mean so much to me, people I respect and look up to, people I want to emulate.

And God is responding.

I don't want to say too much, since it's only the second day of the convention, but already I am renewed, and when you feel like this, you really just want to share it. The session I was a part of the past two days (9 hours total) was life-changing. I was so obviously supposed to be here. The speaker used two movie clips, both from movies I already find profound but he added new depth (Crash and Big Fish). He quoted Theologians I already find my truth in and respect, but had not heard these quotes. He showed a piece Mother Teresa wrote, from Jesus' POV and it felt as though it was God speaking directly to me, directly about my specific struggles. He talked very little about youth, it was more about our spiritual formation. However he did talk about how youth ministry is so often behavior modification (follow these rules and you'll get into heaven) and not Life Changing. This is exactly the problem I've been having, but didn't have the words to describe it, or any idea of how to fix it. This is exactly what his book addresses. Then at the end, after a break, I looked up, and he had brought out a painting for us to meditate on. The Return of the Prodigal Son by Rembrandt. I wrote a blog about this painting. Last semester I read a book by Henri Nouwen all about this painting. My jaw dropped. Tears were in my eyes several times in this session, I cannot even express to you how personally it touched my very core, how profoundly it embraced me. I wanted to talk to the speaker, but I was feeling shy...and HE came to ME. I don't even remember what I said to him, but he was very uplifting and supportive. I bought his book, and I really want to learn more from him...his name is Mike King, by the way.

I also went to a session about the Dark Night of the Soul. Mark Yaconelli talked about how losing faith is part of having faith, and we should see it as an invitation to deeper trust and relationship with God. It was also very helpful and uplifting.

I have decided that Jesus will be my boyfriend for awhile:) I've always thought it was so cheesy and lame when girls say that, but I'm realizing all the things I long for in a man can be found in Jesus. The deep love and affection, the support, the comfort. Someone who completely finds me interesting, worthy, capable, unique and longs to be with me. Someone who listens, cares, and provides real answers, not a quick fix. Until I can love myself in a healthy way, I have just decided that all earthly men are married -- UNAVAILABLE. That might seem kind of silly, but it works for me. It helps me focus on what I need to focus on -- just me and Jesus.

co-dependant no more

2007-11-14T21:40:00.001-06:00

I feel wretched.

I have been so utterly depressed the last few weeks, trying so hard to fight it, but it doesn't seem within my power...I know, I need to rely on God's power, but I think I also need to be medicated:(

Anyway, my therapist and I discussed today how I'm very co-dependant. I give and make excuses for the men I'm with, but I don't take care of myself. I become smaller as I build them up, less myself, because I'm not getting enough in return.

So I had to end a relationship...again...which is awful, because being the person I am, I am more concerned about hurting him. And I don't want to lose the person who has become something of a best friend.

At one point, I was saying I am enough for myself, but it doesn't seem that it was true, so I need to learn to love myself as much as I love others...not easy.

So I'm leaving on a jet plane, I'll be back on Monday. I'm going to a youth workers' convention, and hopefully it will help me move towards peace with myself. I'm taking my computer and there should be Internet access at my hotel, so I'll be connected.

I'd love to hear from you, I need your support! Well, I need to get some sleep before my early morning (3:30 am, gross!) God bless you!

Psalm 77: 1-15

2007-11-13T22:42:00.000-06:00

I cry out to God without holding back.
Oh, that God would listen to me!
When I was in deep trouble,
I searched for the Lord.
All night long I pray, with hands lifted toward heaven, pleading.
There can be no joy for me until he acts.
I think of God, and I moan,
overwhelmed with longing for his help.

You don't let me sleep.
I am too distressed even to pray!
I think of the good old days, long since ended,
when my nights were filled with joyful songs.
I search my soul and think about the difference now.
Has the Lord rejected me forever?
Will he never again show me favor?
Is his unfailing love gone forever?
Have his promises permanently failed?
Has God forgotten to be kind?
Has he slammed the door on his compassion?

And I said, "This is my fate,
that the blessings of the Most High have changed to hatred."
I recall all you have done, O Lord;
I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago.
They are constantly in my thoughts.
I cannot stop thinking about them.

O God, your ways are holy.
Is there any god as mighty as you?
You are the God of miracles and wonders!
You demonstrate your awesome power among the nations.
You have redeemed your people by your strength,
the descendants of Jacob and of Joseph by your might.

I will live my life as a lobsterman's wife...

2007-11-02T11:41:00.001-05:00

Don't have much time, busy day today! I've got Spirituality with the jail ladies, then an hour to set up Media Shout for Sunday worship, then it's off to Marion for Shalom Church. Looking forward to two of three of those:)

Just wanted to say that I've begun reading Self Matters by Dr. Phil and it's good. My issues with Dr. Phil have always been Oprah related, I think he's pretty cool otherwise. I am finding his book motivating, and that he understands what I'm going through...

What am I going through? Oh just trying to make my life count, like most people. Trying to embrace my passions, eliminate my road blocks, find strength in the joy of the Lord. Still struggling with the fact that I have few friends I can be myself with. And that single, childless people have to be friends with other single, childless people.

my red rubber band

2007-10-18T10:05:00.000-05:00

I wear a rubber band around my wrist to remind me to be flexible...well it's really more allowing God to stretch me. It's getting pretty stretched out by tugging on it all the time, but I've done stuff in the past two weeks I would have been too scared to do in another time.

1. I prayed out loud for several women in the jail. This was a blessing for me, and I continue to pray for these precious daughters of God.

2. I gave my testimony to these women. Realizing the worst things I've been through do not compare to their everyday life. One woman said I glowed from reflecting Jesus -- I can't remember anyone saying that to me before, it meant so very much to me.

3. I had patience with a difficult youth I have never been able to communicate with before.

4. I wrote papers when I could, didn't stress over them, and got an A.

5. I was asked on the spot to give another testimony to the jail women. The holy spirit spoke through me, and connected with several women.

6. I am creating a vision of a transitional program for women coming out of jail, to connect them with a church, help them stay sober, and other ways to help them start a new life and stay out of jail.

7. I'm allowing my therapist in, to help me make changes in the way I view myself and relate to others in order to kick my depression for good.

8. I'm giving up control of my job and how I deal with my divorce. Over and over, I give it back to God. And I'll start adding to this list of things I'm giving over.

It's All Good

2007-10-02T19:52:00.000-05:00

So, I wrote the last post when I was feeling down, but I want you to know I am really honestly feeling better. Every time I pray, I release my divorce and job back to God. This afternoon I took my resources up to the youth room to be away from my office, in order to plan youth group...it helped to get out of the devil office at that devil desk:)

I went to the Heartland Great Banquet monthly meeting tonight...it was nice to see friends, and be with the others who have been through this amazing experience with me. I now have a Reunion Group, which meets in Elwood. I'm really looking forward to having a group of women I can talk to and listen to, where we can hold each other accountable and grow together. I feel really good about this.

I received a rubber band from someone at the Great Banquet to remind me to be flexible. I wear it around my wrist because I need the constant reminder. I keep other small gifts around my house so I won't forget that "I am not here by chance." and that the Lord knows the plans he has laid out for me. That I'm a DoG (daughter of God) and also Princess and a Kingdom Builder!

Things with Eric are also really good. There's an Ingrid Michaelson song called The Way I Am (which is used on an Old Navy sweater commercial) that is so sweet, saying all these things she'll do for her guy because he takes her the way she is (If you are falling, then I will catch you/You need a light, I'll find a match/cause I love the way you say good morning/and you take me the way I am). And that's what is so great about Eric. He does take me the way I am, more than that, he loves me the way I am. He doesn't just say that, he shows it. I am more sure every day that I could spend my life with this man.

I am rediscovering the Joy of the Lord, and it really feels good. I couldn't be doing this without God and the prayers of my friends!!

So Hard to Let Go

2007-10-02T12:38:00.001-05:00

Well, this past weekend I went to the Great Banquet -- a three day retreat to reconnect with God. It's counterparts include Walk to Emmaus, Via de Cristo, etc. It was really strange at first, reminded me a lot of my sorority with the ceremony and other things, and I came in very skeptical -- because that's where I was in my faith and in my depression. I was also alone -- I knew one other person, and it was very difficult for me to make friends and open up, but about the middle of the second day, I had some break throughs, and I was finally able to trust God enough to give over my worries about my divorce and my job. This is something I'm going to have to work at very hard, to keep my hands off of it. I have to remind myself over and over, and pray and pray, but I feel so much lighter!

And then, I came to work. I've been here about a half hour and have cried twice. The first time was because a letter I was supposed to get at the Great Banquet was late, and laying on my desk. It was from my brother, very short, but very sweet and it touched my heart. So that was a good cry, but then after talking to our financial secretary, I've come to the realization that after the help from the church (which turned out to be mostly my own flex account), I still have SIGNIFICANT medical bills to pay off...I am very thankful for the gifts I received from anonymous church members, but I'm ashamed to say when the pastor told me the church would help me, I thought it would be to the point that I could handle the rest.

[I've removed the section that was here because it has been resolved, and I feel silly for taking it so personally...that's me, I guess]

I felt so good when I came into work, and now my insecurities and depression creep back...I think the devil may live in my desk, because sitting here makes me feel worthless.

Therapy

2007-09-21T16:58:00.000-05:00

So I've been seeing a therapist. Finally:)
So far I've gone twice, I filled out paperwork at the school counselors office, and from my info, chose a therapist to fit my needs. She's a small black lady named Jean, and I really like her.

The first session we just took time to get to know each other, and I told her basically why I was coming, things that were important to know...just stuff I've probably mentioned on here a million times. I knew I liked and trusted Jean, but we didn't get too deep into anything. It was, however, nice to have someone to talk to, to not feel bad about talking so much about myself, because that's why I'm there. I didn't have to worry about being a burden, which is what holds me back from talking to many of my close friends. Although I must say, it's nice to have this blog, where I can write what I feel, and you can read it or not, respond or not.

Anyway, this past Wednesday I had my second visit, and out of nowhere, we hit a nerve. I confessed feelings and what I consider an ugly side of myself that I rarely even admit to myself, and have NEVER said out loud. I cried from embarrassment. I generally over analyze everything, including myself, but these thoughts are things I don't like to dwell on very much, because I don't want to know.

It was the beginning of a breakthrough, and I feel much more confident that I am really going to be able to improve from seeing Jean. I feel like she is helping me get to the heart of my depression, really helping me dig to the roots to figure out how to love myself.

The only problem is that after an hour of letting my heart bleed, I have to go on with the day, without any real conclusions. This is difficult for me, and the rest of my day was not good, because the flood gates had been opened. However, Eric did get to stop by for a little while and brought my smile back. I was watching America's Next Top Model when he arrived, and while he rolled his eyes when he came in, he watched the rest of it with me, and seemed quite interested;)

My day today

2007-09-16T20:15:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't been posting...I've been busy and depressed, pretty much not interested in blogging.
I couldn't sleep last night because of all the stuff I had to do today -- I had to introduce myself in church this morning (it's this new thing we're doing, since we're such a big church, to get to know each other a little better) and I told them I have social anxiety disorder...don't know if that was the right thing to do, but it's done...then I ran to my office during the early service to finish planning stuff for the Youth Kick Off which was this evening. Then I ran upstairs and taught Confirmation class -- Some of my favorite kids in the youth, but also hyper kids, so it's hard to keep their attention. Then I ran downstairs and did Media Shout for our modern worship service. Then I ran to IHOP to have lunch with my parents -- they get out of church a half hour before me, so I'm always late to lunch. Eric came to my house today, so I had to run home to make it there before him.

Here's where I take a deep breath, with a cheesy smile on my face and sigh like a goon. People, I am in love. I am madly in love with a good man who loves me back. I firmly believe there will be a point when this difficult long-distance shit will be behind us, and we will be happily together. He had planned to come to the youth kick off with me this evening to meet the kids, but decided he didn't want to add to my high level of stress for the evening, which let me tell you was up there (I would be worried that people weren't talking to him...and then that people were talking to him too much, and that he was uncomfortable and that I was talking to him too much...that's how I roll. I love that he knew that without me even saying it). He will be coming to some regular youth meeting. So he stayed for a few hours, we watched the Colts game, went to the local Mexican restaurant so he could eat (I was between meals, so I just had chips and salsa), and then we went back to my house and watched the Bears game -- his team. I love doing mundane stuff like that with him. He sincerely brings me joy. It's deep deep down. It just really feels too good to be true, when most everything else going on in my life is not great.

So, I'll probably write again soon about school...it's going to be a life-changing semester, I know it! I'll be doing field work in the women's jail (possibly leading a bible study and visiting with people). I begin to really embrace my call! I'm so scared, but so excited at the same time!!!

On the eve of my 30th

2007-09-05T09:36:00.001-05:00

Well I'm fine. I got a call Wednesday afternoon saying the surgeon had a cancellation, and to come in right then -- noon. So I went in three hours early, and got into surgery around 2:35. I woke up from anesthesia around 3:15, from what I could tell -- no glasses, had to squint. But I was fully alert, no anesthesia side effects, and a pain in my boob I could not describe other than crying -- so they pumped me up with morphine. The surgeon came by and said, yup, it was a fibroadenoma, benign, everything went fine.
I've never felt so fine coming out of surgery -- the anesthesiologist was very good. I took the rest of the week off, but it was mostly because I couldn't drive on Darvacet, I felt pretty good. And I do now, just some pain every now and then. The incision is about 2 inches long, I go back for my follow up next Wednesday.

So I started school yesterday, it was okay...some of my friends from seminary want to have a birthday party for me this week, I'm not sure when. Or if it will actually happen, the girl planning it is kind of a flake (meant in the most endearing way possible), but it made me feel good that she thought of it. I've been pretty depressed lately. I'm not looking forward to being 30, not because I feel old, but because I don't feel like I have anything to show for my 30 years.
I've heard many people say your children are your legacy, well, don't have any. I know it's a blessing Chris and I couldn't have kids, but at the same time, if we did have kids, that would have been a blessing too. I feel more and more every day that I am not cut out for my job. I feel like I'm good at and enjoy counseling situations, but planning everything from messy games day to bible study to weekly youth meetings to service projects, to outreach -- there's just so much I'm expected to do, and I'm tired. I can't do it all, and I don't want to do it all. I miss the days of being a member of a church as opposed to church staff. I volunteered in many different ways, and enjoyed myself but never felt pressured. I felt I was contributing more of myself, and that it was more for the glory of God. Since teaching is one of my spiritual gifts, maybe that means it shouldn't be my profession. I do not expect I'll ever work in a church again. I'm just not entirely sure how to go about looking for a prison ministry job. And I'm so scared that I will fail at that ministry as well, and then where does that lead me? That's all I've wanted and felt called to do since I was 19, what else am I good for?

Don't worry, I'm going to start seeing a school therapist soon.

A little of this, little of that

2007-08-28T17:16:00.000-05:00

Surgery is tomorrow at 4:30. I got a call from the financial counselor, and they are going to write off at least 75% of the bill. I'm very close to getting 100%, it's going to depend on how much anesthesia is, and additional expenses. So relieved! I'm very blessed! Now the only thing to really worry about is the status of my lovely 2 centimeter lump (I'm thinking of naming it:) which is 80% in my favor of being benign.

Tonight I'm going to dinner with two of my youthies to an amazing local Mexican restaurant. I'm planning to pig out, because I can't eat any food after midnight -- that's so long! I'm going to be so hungry! Oh, and tonight I need to clean my spare room so my mom can spend the night tomorrow. Exciting:)

Lets see, I'm going on a Great Banquet retreat at the end of September. This is one of those intensive spiritual retreats like Emmaus and Via DeCristo. I'm looking forward to it. But there's so much happening before that (beginning of school, beginning of Confirmation, beginning of Youth, Youth Rally, etc) that I can't really get too excited yet.

I got to spend a lovely evening with my awesome boyfriend last night. I've been majorly depressed lately, but when I'm with him, it goes away, I'm completely content. It's such a good feeling, a light feeling.

Last week my Entertainment Weekly was full with a fall movie preview -- so many I want to see! Right now I'm dying to see Superbad. A lot of my favorite actors are doing cool movies this fall, maybe I'll write a blog about them soon.

Both cats seem to be doing better...hopefully my parents will be able to keep up the meds for the next couple days.

Well that was pretty random...there should be something in there you found interesting:)

poor Hawkeye

2007-08-23T22:51:00.000-05:00

So I was right, Hawkeye has a bladder infection. They gave me medication to give him, which is a liquid and it's a fight to get him to take it...which I hate doing because he's already uncomfortable...there is also a good possibility he has bladder stones, they may have to do x-rays. I can't afford this, with my own surgery coming up and no insurance, but of course I will do whatever I have to for Hawkeye...I had to convince him that it was a good idea to use the new litterbox with newspaper strips inside...he's not completely sure of it yet. Poor boy.

Tomorrow I meet with the financial counselor with my paperwork...I think they'll at least write off some of the cost, and as long as I pay regularly they might write off more -- I know the surgeon will anyway. The church and my parents will also help. And here's the thing, I don't really feel comfortable with many of the other staff members, but every single one has come to me to say they would help pay for the surgery. I do feel blessed.

Tomorrow (Friday) would have been my five year anniversary.
My 30th birthday is two weeks from today.

Visits to the doc

2007-08-22T10:48:00.000-05:00

Alrighty, surgery is scheduled for next Wednesday, 4:25. The surgeon thinks the lump is probably a fibroadenoma, which is nothing serious. But it can cause "problems" so they will just remove it. They aren't even calling it a lumpectomy, it's simply called a biopsy, but they will be removing the whole mass.

Also, sorry if this freaked you out, but I found out I was mistaken about the size -- it's 2 cm, not 2 inches. So that's a little over 3/4 of an inch. Quite a difference, huh. I was pretty freaked out when the Korean (I'm guessing) radiologist was explaining everything to me, and I misunderstood.

So today I'm going to be working on financial assistance stuff...fun times, but I'm hopeful.

On top of this stuff, this morning when I was about to get in the shower I noticed that Hawkeye peed on the carpet...he very rarely does this, and it was very dark and smelled worse than normal. He's been extra moody and around the litter box a lot lately, so I went on the interweb to see what the symptoms of feline urinary tract infection are. And what I read pretty much stated all the things I just mentioned. So I called the vet to make an appointment, and when I told them his symptoms, they said to bring him in right then. So I didn't have time to shower, I had to run him to the vet, freaking about his health because I know UTIs can be fatal for cats...I also called my dad to come with me, because I knew I wouldn't be able to stay -- this was only an hour before my dr. appointment on the other side of town. I had to leave before we were even called in. My dad didn't know the answers to some of the questions they asked, and they couldn't get a urine sample from Hawkeye, so he had to stay there. So I'm now waiting for them to call with a diagnosis.

I love most animals, especially my own. But Hawkeye is my baby. I mean, I've had him for 7 years, since he was a kitten, and he's just the best cat in the world. I would get rid of my other two pets if I had to, but Hawkeye and I have a special bond. I love that cat so much. I don't really like leaving him at the vet...but hopefully whatever's wrong it easily treatable.

ha ha ha!

2007-08-17T16:23:00.000-05:00

I just happened across this video of a dog fighting his foot for a bone. Hilarious! I needed this laugh.

Defining Becca

2007-08-17T12:23:00.000-05:00

Here are some ways I define myself:

1. Jesus Follower
2. Easily Amused
3. Easily Annoyed
4. Seminary Student
5. Youth Pastor For the Moment
6. Opponent of Capital Punishment
7. Animal Lover
8. Rescuer (sometimes to my own detriment)
9. Perpetual Learner
10. Chronic Rule Follower
11. Beer Advocate
12. Broken
13. A Romantic
14. Voracious Reader
15. A Mystic
16. Sensitive
17. Encourager
18. Lazy Perfectionist
19. Food Lover
20. Prone to Obsess :)
21. Introvert through and through
22. Mother in Waiting
23. Observant
24. Good with Names
25. Empathetic
26. Television and Film Fan
27. Preacher's Kid
28. INFJ
29. Worry Magician (I can create something to worry about out of thin air! Ta Da!)
30. Advocate of Hope and Joy

Did I leave something out?
How do you define yourself?

Some old movies

2007-08-16T22:46:00.000-05:00

So I watched some movies this week, all of them old, but it was the first time I saw three of the four of them.

1. The Notebook -- all my youthie girls love this movie, and everyone talks about how it's a cryfest -- not normally my cup of tea. I like to pretend I'm tough but everyone knows I'm a total pansy. I did cry through the whole movie, but I did watch the movie the day after I found out about my pending biopsy/surgery, so I was ready for an excuse. I've watched it again since then, didn't cry, but I do like it...The sex scene is hot, and the original one (in the deleted scenes) is hotter. But yeah, it's a sweet movie.

2. Keepin the Faith -- Don't usually like Ben Stiller, but sometimes he's charming, and this is one of those times. I love the religious stuff, the interfaith stuff, and I love friends becoming lovers stuff. Remember when Jenna Elfman was the coolest chick on TV? Maybe she still is, I don't get ABC, I think she's on a show on there...is it any good? Is she on Brothers and Sisters?

3. Brokeback Mountain -- I can see why people say it's so much more than a Gay Cowboy movie...it's really one of the saddest love stories I've ever seen. Both actors are amazing, and Michelle Williams is amazing...I'm kind of glad I waited so long to see it, after the hype. It's really a work of art.

4. The Ringer -- well, I was never really that interested in seeing this movie, except that Johnny Knoxville is sexy...but my boyfriend told me it was really funny, so I took a chance...there are some funny parts, mostly involving the mentally handicapped actors, who are hilarious, and even the un-handicapped actors playing handicapped people were good. But the regular actors were really pretty much terrible. After watching the extra features, I could see that it was a good thing that they made the movie -- it gave a lot of attention to the Special Olympics.

updates

2007-08-14T09:50:00.000-05:00

Well I just got a call from my gynecologist. She wants me to skip a biopsy and just operate, get the mass out. So she has scheduled an appointment for me with the surgeon August 22 at 10am. That's pretty much all the info I have, and yes, I know I need to call her and ask some more questions, like what made her come to that decision.
I'm scared, but not as scared as I've been...

by the way, Eric and I have chucked the whole, 'not talking for a month' thing. It was stupid. I love him very much, and we've worked so hard for this relationship, if it doesn't work, it's not for lack of trying.

Debbie Downer

2007-08-10T21:14:00.000-05:00

It's been a rough day.
I had my "test"...it was a mammogram. My doc found a "lumpy bumpy" last January, and it's taken me this long to get it done. Because I don't have insurance, and I do have a lot of fear. So I finally decided I could trust God to get me through whatever came up. After the mammogram they told me they also needed to do an ultrasound, which is quite common, especially for younger women. So we went ahead and did that too -- which I was not expecting to do at the same time -- I thought I'd schedule it for another time. While she was doing the ultrasound, I watched the screen and saw how large the mass is. I also saw that there were more than one. I laid there in the dark and silently prayed as tears ran into my ears, "God I'm not strong enough for this." I realize that none of what I was seeing meant anything per se, but it's just scary business.
So when the radiologist came to explain to me what they had found, I had called my mom and my parents were on their way to wait for me. I was feeling really alone and scared. The radiologist said they had found 6 masses, but only one seems to be a problem, the original one which is 2". They want to do a biopsy to find out if it's cancer. He was asian, and some of what he said was difficult for me to understand -- like the specific name of the cancer they would be looking for -- but I did get most of it. The nurse said she had heard I didn't have insurance and gave me a card for a finance counselor in the hospital. I just nodded, because if I had opened my mouth, I would have started bawling, which I HATE to do in public. But she saw it coming, and asked if I was alright, and I broke down. I said I'm just overly emotional, and she said it's really only 10-20% of biopsies that come back positive for cancer.
I'm very tired and lethargic. I'm not looking forward to the fall anymore, my job is getting me down. I feel like because I'm full time, they expect me to be able to do everything by myself, and I really can't. There are so many things I'm not good at, and there are things that one person cannot do alone...besides the fact that it isn't safe for me or them for me to do it alone. But no one wants to volunteer to help. I was told, "you're the one being paid." I'm burned out. I'm tired. I don't have fricking insurance. I probably do not have breast cancer, but I'm going to go broke to receive that information. I'm tired.

I heart Etsy

2007-08-09T20:22:00.000-05:00

I really love Etsy! I found a really lovely girl named Kerri who is making me the laptop bag of my dreams:) I got to pick out the fabric, the design, the colors, the size, everything. And we've only been talking a few days. If you go to Etsy, make sure to check out little moon originals, beautiful rag doll faeries and patchwork bags. She is so great. Here are a few of my favorite things on Etsy:

2 deeply personal things

2007-07-31T13:07:00.000-05:00

The good news: Eric has a new job, and will be moving. He will be going from 2 hours away from me to a half hour away. It's better paying, better benefits, and closer to what he wants to be doing. He will also be working with his best friend.

I'm thrilled! For him more than for myself, but also for us:)

The problem: While we have worked through several of our problems, a few little ones still exist. During this transition time where he looks for a place to live, moves and starts a new job, he and I will not have contact. We've agreed on taking a month long break to untangle the left over issues...

I can see how, to someone on the outside it seems like it shouldn't be this hard. Or that if it was going to work, it would be working. Those theoretically make sense to me, and maybe after a month apart I would agree -- but this feels right...when we're together it's right. The problem is we are rarely together.

I'm not really telling you this for advice (Lord knows I get enough of that from my mom), this is just what is foremost on my mind these days. I feel like we've got something good, and I'll do what it takes to preserve it. I miss him a lot. It hasn't even been a day:) :(

I have scheduled a medical test I was supposed to have in January...it's August 10 and I'm really scared. Other things have occurred to force me to get the test, and I don't really like to think about it but there it is. I don't really want to elaborate until I know for sure one way or the other. Not having proper insurance is mostly the reason I have put it off, but I'm trying to convince myself that God will provide for my needs...I know it's true, I just need to believe it. I need prayers, but I haven't asked people for them because I don't want to go into detail, so I'm hoping you out there will be able to help me out. Thanks, really.

My brother, Harry Potter and Lebowski Fest

2007-07-25T11:06:00.000-05:00

My brother was in town last week, from Portland, Oregon. We had fun! He stayed at my house the first night, we watched Pan's Labyrinth and drank Newcastles, he is a fan of the movie. I have not decided what I think yet...it was definitely not what I expected, although I'd read many reviews of the movie. I may need to watch it again. I also watched Pick of Destiny last week, it was cute (can you call a movie about a pick made of satan's bones "cute"?), but not as good as other Jack Black movies. The kid who plays Jack as a kid is AMAZING and made me laugh quite a lot...disappointed he wasn't in it more. Jack Black is gorgeous by the way:)

I also saw the Harry Potter movie a couple times. Liked it, thought it was well done, and perhaps the best of the 5. Looking forward to the next one, the last two books are my favs -- yes, I have read the final Harry Potter book and I was BLOWN AWAY. It is amazing, so well done, so satisfying, excellent. I read pretty much the entire book on Monday, my day off. There is a lot of sadness and frustration, but it seemed really true to life (as much as a fantasy book can be) and I was very happy with the fact that my two main theories/predictions were correct! My favorite character didn't let me down, and I hope that's not a spoiler, don't know that any of you know who my favorite character has always been. In any case, LOVED IT.

On Saturday my brother and I went on a road trip to Louisville to see a band he likes, called the Legendary Shack Shakers. They're kind of psychobilly from Nashville. We went early to walk down the legendary Bardstown Road, but got lost in construction detours...so I called my friend who goes to U of Louisville and she helped us get where we wanted to go. We stopped at Denny's to eat, and it was perhaps the very worst dining experience I've EVER had. Uck, I don't even want to go into all the things wrong with that place...
Anyway we went to Bardstown Road and found this store called Doo Wops, which was ironic because Matt orders a lot of Karaoke CDs from them and didn't even know that's where they were based. So I made him buy a Tshirt from there. We finally decided to go to the show, which was a part of Lebowski Fest -- a small festival celebrating the movie Big Lebowski. Our directions from mapquest were crap and we did a lot of driving around, trying to figure out where we were going. The address led us to believe the festival was at the expo center, but we weren't sure so when we went through the gates, we asked the lady taking money for parking. She said, "is that the concert?" We were like, uh yeah I guess. She said it was at Kentucky Kingdom, which shares a parking lot with the expo center, and took $5 from us. We drove around that dumb parking lot forever, trying to find it and trying to find someone to ask who would actually know what they were talking about -- there was no way we were going to buy tickets to Kentucky Kingdom, and we didn't think that's where Lebowski Fest would be, anyway...as we were leaving the parking lot we saw some tents on the other side of the fence from Kentucky Kingdom, and decided to park there -- since we paid for it -- and walk over. We had finally found it, and Matt was a little disappointed...it was about five small tents -- one for the bands, a couple merch tents and a couple games. There were two food vendors and two beer vendors. And like 100 people. We were there early, and there really wasn't much to do...he got to talk to the bass player of the Shack Shakers, which is cool because Matt plays bass (upright, not guitar). Finally they played, and they were good -- Matt had a great time in the very front -- kind funny since he's 6'6, and got some great pictures. The lead singer -- called The Colonel -- is this skinny little dude who goes a little crazy when he sings. His shirt came off in the the first song, and he was pulling out chest hair (and some pubes) and throwing them on the audience...yeah I don't get it. (PS Amy I got you a little memento from Lebowski Fest, I know you like that movie!)

We finally left around 8pm and got home about 10:30. It was a crazy day, but fun and I'm glad I got to spend that time with my brother.

What's goin' on

2007-07-18T10:56:00.000-05:00

Wow, I've never had someone request that I update! I feel popular:)

Let's see, here's what going on with me.

1. I met with my DS last Friday to discuss the Camp Debacle. He was EXTREMELY supportive, which relieved me quite a bit, but he did advise that I tell my pastor...who I have known exactly one month. I was scared, but DS told me he would step in to help if I needed him to. Then on my way home, DS called to invite me to his church he is starting, called Shalom Church. It happened to be meeting in Anderson, so I went. It was a blessing, to say the very least. There were only 5 of us, the DS and his wife and another couple -- the former DS and his wife. But in this group I felt more support, community and sense of family than I EVER have at my current church. I'm so thankful God led me to this group!

2. So yesterday I met with my pastor. I told him about the Camp Debacle, and some of my beliefs, but also stated that with the youth, I will always teach where the Methodist Church stands on social issues. This is what he wanted to hear, and he was supportive of me as well. He also advised that we do not continue organized events with the other group, because the leaders take away my authority with the kids, and cannot lead to anything positive. So I was relieved to have his support there, as well.

3. My brother is here from Portland, Oregon! He came for Circus week (in Peru). He stayed at my house last night, and on Saturday we're going on a road trip to Louisville for some Big Lebowski fest or something. There's a band he wants to see, I really just want to hang out with my brother. He's 26, 6'6, skinny, Wolverine-esque chops.

4. I will be painting my kitchen soon. Red and white. I've picked the shade of red, my mom is buying the paint, and people have volunteered to help, so it's just a matter of getting it all together...

5. I found out that if you want to see the stuff I personally like on Etsy, you can go to beccalayne.etsy.com.

6. I am so stoked for the new Harry Potter! Woo hoo!

If Grace is True

2007-07-11T20:01:00.000-05:00

So this book, by Philip Gulley and James Mulholland, was published in 2003, when I worked at Cokesbury Bookstore. We sold many copies, and it was quite controversial -- the subtitle is "why God will save every person".

I've been interested in it, but now, when I need it most, God has led me to read it. It's like every thought or new belief I've ever had is being confirmed and stated more eloquently and with more authority than I have ever had. Here's a quote:

"We can't honor the words of the men and women of the Bible while ignoring their example. They trusted their experiences wiht God more than the words of those who preceded them. They believed in a God of fresh words. How can we canonize their words but ignore their radical obedience to the voice of a living God? We have become people who read well but listen poorly."

Yes, Scripture is truth, but we shouldn't think that God stopped speaking when the Bible was finished. This book is telling me to trust my experiences with God. And I find TREMENDOUS comfort in that...it makes so much sense to me.

my birthday is September 6

2007-07-11T14:35:00.000-05:00

I am IN LOVE with this T shirt.

Hey There Delilah

2007-07-11T14:26:00.000-05:00

I don't know how I've missed this song, I guess my only excuse is that I don't listen to the radio? Anyway, it's a beautiful song I just heard for the first time last week, but for some reason, when I heard this version of it, it seems to be right...it's about a girl, but the melody sounds just right coming from a girl. With a French accent. Her name is Virginie, and and I've listened to this youtube over and over...hope you like it too...

Hey There Delilah by Plain White T's
sung by Virginie

an update

2007-07-08T21:28:00.000-05:00

I just found out that the co-counselors from last week told their kids today why we didn't continue having small groups. So now, the kids are involved. I felt that I didn't want my kids to hear about it from them, so I've called a couple of them...

It makes me really sad that it couldn't have been left between the adults. I feel that this action causes more confusion than anything I said in my small group or throughout the week. I worked so hard to keep relations between us light and as normal as possible so the kids wouldn't catch on. And I'm fairly certain I succeeded (only with the help of the Holy Spirit! I was ready to pack up and leave if left on my own!)...I can't really figure out why they would feel it necessary to discuss this with the youth, other than to make me look bad, because they know how much their kids look up to me...

I'm hoping the Lord will help me use this new plot twist to figure out how to deal with our relationship with the other youth group. My mom told me my youth will support me, and now I feel more confident that it's true. I don't want them to choose between me and their friends, but I think they will better understand why we may not do as many activities together as groups.

making myself vulnerable

2007-07-07T19:19:00.000-05:00

Well we got home from senior high Institute today. This is the week long church camp I take my youth to...and it pretty much was what I could have expected, given the year I've had. Which is to say, it was a challenge I didn't quite meet, and there were many tears. Beat down. I feel beat down.

I kind of did expect it because I met with my co-counselor the week before, and it pretty much sucked. She asked what my beliefs were in regard to homosexuality, and I knew it wouldn't be pretty. I told her I don't believe it's a sin. I told her I don't think my best friend who is Buddhist will go to hell. I told her there are things about God I don't understand, and I'm at peace with the fact that I'll never understand them. She told me that's a cop-out. She told me my beliefs aren't Biblically based.

So I really shouldn't have been surprised when, after our small groups, where I was teaching a combination of her kids and mine, she told me she wasn't comfortable with me teaching her kids by myself. She told me she wanted our groups to combine, because I was confusing them, and leading them from the Truth (I did not tell her kids any of the above things. The controversy was over an analogy I made for truth, that it's like two people discussing a football game -- one may tell the story from the perspective of defense, the other from the perspective of offense. Both are truth from different points of view).

I am secure in my beliefs, although there are a lot of things I don't have black and white beliefs about, and though I'm not the type to quote Scripture at people. I am also very NOT confrontational. And when I am confronted, I get defensive, but also just stupid. I had to leave the conversation crying. I called my parents and they supported me, but I had to find a way to get through the week living and teaching with these people, and not let our kids know anything was going on. Our groups love each other so much, and as much as I wanted to also keep MY kids from hearing their close minded literal teachings, I went along with her plan of combining groups for the sake of the kids. I barely led a thing, and just felt so uncomfortable saying anything. I was disappointed with myself, although I was proud of my kids, because they questioned what the other counselors were teaching. I was weak, but they were strong. I also found that their own kids were having problems with their teachings. They have told their youth that Harry Potter is evil, but the kids don't buy it. Also they've been telling one of their seniors that it's a sin to question God, God's existence, or his own faith. He also does not believe them.

So I got through the week, I learned a lot about myself, but I don't really know where to go from here. Our kids still love sharing a cabin at camp and want to continue having lock-ins and group activities together. And I do love every one of their kids too. I get along with the other youth leaders most of the time, but having this different of theologies and their belief that I'm "lost" makes me feel that something definitely has to change...but I don't know what to do...besides pray and talk to my District Superintendent -- He's pretty smart:)

me as a cocktail

2007-06-26T11:11:00.000-05:00

How to make a Rebecca

Ingredients:

1 part competetiveness

5 parts silliness

1 part empathy

Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add sadness to taste! Do not overindulge!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

I like it...sounds tasty (without the sadness, might be too sweet). I didn't like the Becca, too much anger. A Rebecca goes down much smoother, although take seriously the "do not overindulge" because too much silliness gives quite the hangover.

Dear Eric,

2007-06-22T12:24:00.000-05:00

Come Away With Me
by Norah Jones

Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can't tempt us
With their lies

I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won't you try to come

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

Ichthus and what it brought to mind

2007-06-19T15:51:00.000-05:00

So yeah, this past weekend was Ichthus.
There were three bands I was excited to see (Relient K, Family Force 5 and Flatfoot 56) and they all delivered (although FF5 played three times and they only have one album, so it got a little monotonous). But then we were there for four straight days, full of bands, and it was very hot! My skin did not agree with all the sun, and even though I put on loads of sunscreen, it wasn't enough. Becca got sun poisoning. However, it seems to be okay, and my burn is actually turning a light shade of tan, which doesn't usually happen. We had several medical emergencies in our group, including one adult leader being whisked away by ambulance to an ER, due to high blood pressure and wacky sugar -- obviously a diabetic. It was scary, and overall it wasn't as fun as last year, but that which does not kill you makes you stronger, right? I did get to know some of our less frequent youth better and hopefully this will be a way for them to plug back into regularly coming.

I have fun with the kids, but I always feel so awkward and unliked among the other adults. This is not an event that I lead, they have been going since long before I came around and have a great system put into place. But I don't feel comfortable with the other adults, and I don't really think they are comfortable around me...and I'm not sure why that is.

I also feel like I'm often a bad influence or role model for the kids, and I hate that. I wish I could be a better person, but my mouth gets me in trouble all the time. I gossip way too much, I can be mean about it, too...when I was in college and told one of my friends I had just accepted a call to ministry, he said, "how can you be a minister? You can't keep your mouth shut!" Which I didn't even really take offense to because it's true. I'd say in ministry, it's my biggest weakness. That and my phone phobia. I have learned to keep important secrets, but then the question becomes, important to who? I also need to work on my patience. I get annoyed VERY easily. And when you work with youth, that just doesn't work.

farting

2007-06-19T15:25:00.001-05:00

Ha ha ha! I just read a really funny post that made me laugh and laugh out loud...also it reminded me of my own critters and their gassiness. yeah, it's about cat farts. The comments are good for a snicker as well...animal farts are hilarious to me. Chino farts all the time, and it is audible, which cracks me up and also amazes me...

So here's the link to Fussy, the blog by Eden Kennedy, which is always stellar.

My Favorite Site

2007-06-12T13:25:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow morning we're leaving for Ichthus! Mostly I'm excited, because it is a lot of fun, but I'm such a stinking homebody, I hate to be away from home that long...in a tent...full of middle school girls...for four days...no shower...okay so there is a shower available, but I don't care enough to stand in line for hours. It cools off at night, and that's good enough for me:)

Here's a new (new to me) website I've been obsessing over. It's called Etsy, and I really can't get enough of it. Full of handmade everything, for someone like me who likes unique things it's heaven. I've also been obsessing over finding a good, unique laptop bag for when I go back to school in the fall, and I know Etsy is where I'll find one...I have several I'm keeping an eye on, although I'm not planning to purchase it until my birthday...which is kind of a problem on Etsy because it's all original, and there may or may not be more made. Anyway, wanted to share a few of the items that make me smile, maybe you'll find stuff there that you can't live without:)

1. One of the bags I'm considering for my laptop...not made for a laptop but a great size, so maybe I can fit my books too and will only have to carry one bag.

2. Chandelier necklace...so cute, so different! Love it!

3. Ginko leaves are beautiful, and they always remind me of DePauw, because there was a lovely ginkgo tree outside the library that shed it's fruit every fall which smelled like ass. No really, it's disgusting. But here's a pretty ginko print that would look lovely in my living room.

4. Bill Murray T-shirt. I didn't know he was sexy until I saw Lost in Translation, now I'm smitten. The women's shirts by this seller are all very pretty, very Becca.

5. It could be due to the tentacles tattooed to his right bicep, but I think my brother would love this octopus tie.

secrets in the Hobby Lobby

2007-06-05T10:54:00.000-05:00

I love walking through the center to Hobby Lobby -- the part that has a million glass shelves, with random, unique home decor items...

It occurred to me the other day that this part of Hobby Lobby reminds me of the movie Return to Oz, when Dorothy goes into the Nome King's room of nick knacks and has to find the items that her friends turned into, and say "OZ"...it makes me want to try it at Hobby Lobby...see if some of my long lost friends have been turned into nick knacks:)

8 randoms

2007-06-01T11:27:00.000-05:00

Fine, Amy tagged me for 8 random things. Let's see...

1. I would much rather read a book than listen to it. although when I read a good book, I often get ahead of myself.

2. I'm starting to get the idea that purple is my favorite color, and though I'm resisting it, I'm starting to really like green. (I bought some "unreasonable" kelly green flats last night that are stellar)

3. I'm totally a Carrie (with serious Charlotte tendencies and a hint of Miranda). I just wish I had Sarah Jessica Parker's legs.

4. I nearly cried with joy when I got rid of my entertainment center because it was like getting rid of another chunk of Chris (ex husband).

5. I love cold sheets. I love to rub the part of my fingers just below my fingernails over cold sheets.

6. In the same vein, I love cold kitty paws. I sometimes fall asleep holding Hawkeye's foot.

7. I miss my Reel Big Fish CD (I "lost" so many CDs in college). But I hate buying CD's I had at one time, it feels like a waste.

8. If I could just feel comfortable in my own skin more often...

well, I don't think there are even 8 people who read my blog, but I'll go ahead and tag:

Eric
Kari
Trevor (come on, just do it:)
Ally
Jeff
Lee Ann
Lucas
Anna

how I spent my vacation

2007-06-01T10:00:00.000-05:00

So this has been my vacation...I've had a week off, but low funds so it was just pretty much stay at home and gather myself together. Monday was hell, I was depressed and lonely, which was carry-over from Sunday evening. I was supposed to see Eric but it didn't happen AGAIN due to whatever, it doesn't matter. Anyway on Monday I was thinking I may just go back to work, because I didn't think I could handle being by myself for a whole week...then I thought maybe it would be a good chance to sit with the pain of the last few months, sift through it and figure out what I want to keep and what I want to get over. I also came to the conclusion (which I've really known all along) that my problems are not that big a deal, compared to many. and I should get over all of it.

Tuesday was not bad, I enjoyed being completely lazy, and read all day long. It's a great Stephen King called Lisey's Story, and I'm loving every page. I also watched Goblet of Fire, in my living room thankyouverymuch, so I've taken large steps towards moving out of my cave (which is my bedroom, explanation is down several posts).

Wednesday I got to see Eric, we met in Tipton and had some Dairy Queen. It was lovely but I pretty much laid all my cards on the table, told him exactly how I felt. I put it ALL out there, and I can't even say how he responded...I'm not sure how to describe it. He's not at the same place I am, but he's close...I think? But honestly, it didn't hurt me or anything because I knew where he was coming from. I know him pretty well. and he knows me pretty well, because he already knew what I was feeling before I told him. And I think that's partly why I feel it (am I just pretending to be vague?).

So I went home and cleaned my kitchen...it was really gross, since I have been living in my cave, so it felt good to have another room I could stand to be in.

Thursday I woke up and had a financial epiphany -- and I knew it would be a good day. I got some new clothes, picked up my new tea-cart (last week I got rid of a lot of furniture including my entertainment center, which the tea cart is replacing), and rearranged my living room. I went to Lafayette to have dinner with Amy then after a quick trip to the mall we met up with Eric and Cullen.

Yes! I finally met Cullen, Eric's 2 yr old son! What a beautiful boy! Good lord that kid is cute, and he does look so much like Eric. I felt a lot of pressure here, because a) Eric had told me he wanted to see how Cullen and I would "be" together, and b) I was with my supermommy friend. I felt as though I was going to be tested and graded in a subject I have interest in but not a lot of practice, and my competition was an expert in the field. I know, it wasn't a competition, but that's how it felt -- I've always lacked confidence with children when I'm with people who do not lack confidence. I know I was putting most the pressure on myself, my "competition" wanted me to win, she wanted it to go well, and honestly Amy I'M NOT UPSET ABOUT IT AT ALL! Don't feel like an ass. It was just nerve racking, because he's not just my friend's child. He's the child of the man with whom I could have a future. But it went fine, I'm very happy with how it all turned out. And I'll get to spend more time with him next week -- really looking forward to that.

Then I got to hang out with Amy's daughter Kalli for awhile, and that was just the best ending for the day. Kalli is hilarious and fun and smart and silly...which makes sense, because I mean, her parents are quite rad.

afternoon at the prison

2007-05-25T14:10:00.000-05:00

Our jail ministry team went to the Youth Detention Center last Sunday to lead a worship service. I really love going there, and usually I wish we could interact with the kids a little more...

I read the scripture for the service, and sang along with all the songs our praise team led...that most of the kids didn't seem interested in, and that's okay. To me, it's more about being there, and letting them know that we care about them. That we are there to show them God loves them, and therefore we love them too. This is why I want to do prison ministry, this is why I think it's so important. I'm not interested in "number of lives saved" and making them repentant, I think my strengths come in with one on one, personal conversation. I want to just be in relationship with hurting souls who don't know who to trust. In living and loving as Jesus teaches me to, hopefully they'll see there is hope.

Anyway, I'm looking into a mentoring program. They have one for the kids and one for the adults...I still don't know where I will be led to lead, I can see that I sometimes work well with youth, and sometimes I'm better with adults (mostly women).

When I got back to the church after the worship service, several of my youthies were there waiting for youth group to start. They asked where I had been and I told them about it. One of the kids hung back, and when I was separated from the other kids, he asked me when I had gone to the detention center. I told him it was just that afternoon, and asked why he was interested. He said it was because he had been there the day before, and lowered his eyes...

Before I continue the story, let me tell you about this boy. He doesn't come to church or youth much, his family goes through cycles of attending and not. When he does come, the other kids are mildly annoyed by him, because he lacks some common sense (which is how he ended up getting in trouble). He played guitar in the youth praise band for youth Sunday...although I don't think he actually played much, and he may have accidentally damaged someone else's guitar. But do you know how excited he was to play? How much he looks up to our older youth band members?

Well I asked if he wanted to tell me what got him into the detention center, and he told me. Nothing malicious or intentional, just not thinking. Then he went on to tell me about what his family thought, and what all happened when he was arrested (the cop bet him $5 he couldn't get his handcuffed hands in front of his body -- he won the money:) and the story got a little confusing, but he did tell me he will have a court date in June. I told him I would be there, if he wanted me to, and he didn't seem to know what to think about that.

But then after youth, after all the kids had left he ran back into the room where I was cleaning up, and asked if I really would be at his court hearing...I said I would, if that's what he wanted, he just needs to let me know the date and time. I've been thinking a lot about that this week. There's a good chance I won't hear anything more about it, but I hope I do. I'm finding that when I can be a blessing for someone else, it also blesses me. The longer I'm in ministry, the more I find this to be true. And to me, that kind of confirms that regardless of the hard times and confusion and doubt I have, God still wants to use me.

wanna see her?

2007-05-24T16:26:00.000-05:00

So this is my sweet little Mirabelle. Sweet, snotty, sneezy, scratchy Mirabelle. If she didn't have the snotty eyes and nose, you would be able to see what a beauty she is. Here's another picture of her, as I found her after work today, lounging on my pillows.

This was a sweet surprise because she is usually hiding under the bed...or the spare bed...or in the linen closet...or under the sofa...you get my point. So she's getting used to living with us, as long as I keep the baby gate at the hall doorway, so Chino can't get to her. To Chino she is still, "that thing!! that new thing, mom!! it's right here i found it but i can't get it what is it mom i want it!! i smell it but i can't get it what's that new thing down there!?!"

Also I think she ate a little today, so very glad. Also I got paid, so hopefully we can visit the vet very soon. The snot rockets have GOT to stop, it's really quite disgusting.

Here's one more picture...you can't see her face and it's out of focus, but you can see her markings which I think are quite interesting, and also how small she is for three years old.

Still not sure what I should do, but I'm thinking I can't really let go of her now...just look at how sweet she is! A very pretty girl, and if we can get rid of the illness, she will fit in quite well with the rest of us.

poor sick Mirabelle

2007-05-23T13:32:00.000-05:00

Don't have much time, but wanted to update you on Mirabelle, and maybe get your opinion...

Pretty sure what the previous "owner" called a URI is also known as Cat Flu...since I decided to do a little research on her symptoms to find out if I can try to let it just work it's way out, if there is a vaccine or something...

And basically there isn't...I mean, there may be antibiotics to help, but I'm not sure if the fact that she's had it so long makes any difference...she still hasn't eaten, and I'm getting worried...

And now I'm very torn. I'm getting very attached to her, but I may have made a huge mistake by introducing her into my 'family'...her illness is very contagious, and I don't want Hawkeye to get it (he's getting used to her, and becoming more friendly, but that isn't necessarily good, since he could catch it). Also I didn't realize how costly this illness could get...

I do have the option of taking her back, but if I do that, she has no chance...she'll probably die of the illness, without anyone to love her.

Mirabelle

2007-05-21T22:23:00.000-05:00

I have a new kitty!

Her name is Mirabelle (from the main character of the movie Shopgirl). She is three years old, but is very small, she looks likes she's less than a year. She has a (perpetual) URI, fleas, and has not eaten since I got her (which was Saturday morning). Oh but she did poop in the cat carrier on the way home:) Poor baby girl. A friend's mom has a barn full of cats who were strays, and she tries to take care of them, but there are just too many to really give them what they need. Mirabelle is spayed, and she is calico -- and she has such a sweet little meow!

Hawkeye HATES her. With a burning, seething hate only cats are capable of. The first night she was here, Hawkeye could smell her on me, and growled at me and ran away...it really hurt my feelings! Even when we got Chino and wrecked Hawkeye's perfect spoiled world forever, he never hated me. He is getting over his disappointment in me, but he still steers clear of Mirabelle and growls and hisses at her. She hides from Chino and ignores Hawkeye.

So needless to say, we need to make a trip to the vet to get rid of the fleas (mostly eggs at the moment) and antibiotics for the cold -- you can always find Mirabelle if you just follow the wheezing and sneezing, poor girl.

We did have an incident when I was holding her as I let Chino in from outside -- there were some tears, due to clawed cat FLIPPING OUT. Like in the cartoons where the cat spazzes and hangs from the ceiling, well Mirabelle hung from my arms by only her claws and teeth. Then she tried to jump out the closed windows...several times. Cat integration not going well, but regardless of my new arm and neck scratches, I'm falling for this girl, she really needs love! (does anyone else see my life forming a pattern?)

Some updates

2007-05-16T09:42:00.000-05:00

1. Youth Dinner Theater was a smashing success. I glad we did it on two nights, as opposed to one like last year, because we didn't have to cram 100 people in the little space we have. But after the first night, I think we were all done. The second night went better than the first, but no one was REALLY into it...ah well, if that's my only complaint, then I think everything went very well! I love those kids so much, and I'm so very proud of them!!

2. Cop friend -- okay, well, at the risk of getting myself into trouble, I want to just say that I told my cop friend we could not hang out just the two of us anymore. He's a good friend, and I can talk to him about things I can't talk to anyone else about, but that's really not a good thing...since he's engaged. To a friend of mine. We did talk about emotional boundaries, but the only way to have them is to not even tempt ourselves. So it's kind of sad but mostly I feel very good about it.

3. This is a frustration of mine, because I have so many guy friends. And they're all getting married, or are already married, and even though we're not interested in each other as anything besides friends, we just can't be as close as we were. My friend James is like my brother...for real. I mean we tried to date in high school, but it was just weird because it was as if I was dating my brother. But we've stayed close since then, and now he's about to be engaged. And while his girlfriend doesn't mind me coming to visit him, he doesn't think he could come to visit me here. And really, I understand that to a point, but at the same time, I just hate losing all my guy friends. People I used to be able to really talk to, now it's not appropriate. And I've tried to be friends with the wives/girlfriends, sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. Haven't met James' girlfriend yet, but hell I don't care if she comes too! I want to meet her. psh, anyway...

4. I ended up with a B on that Exegesis paper. And in his comments, he said I needed to do more "exegeting" myself and not rely so heavily on my sources. But I don't know how to exegete! This is the first class I've taken where we have to do that, and I don't think he really taught me how to do it. He would give us a Scripture and say, what do you think about this? I don't know! This is how I was in Poetry class, in undergrad. Once someone pointed out what a poem was really saying, I could get it, but it was difficult for me to find it myself (wait, this poem is about sex, too??)...it took years of practice to be able to do that, and I think it's going to take me awhile with the exegeting, too.

5. Why is it everyone has "someone for me to meet"...I guess it's a good thing, but it's also scary. Plus, I don't really know what's going on with Eric. We are broken up, but we really don't act like it. I want things to work with him, but we had a lot of problems, and we broke up to fix them...but I don't know if we are! Maybe we need some time and space, but I hate even typing those words! I do love getting calls from him every morning, and talking through our problems...and because it makes me so happy I think that maybe I'm ignoring the fact that it's not exactly helping our situation. So should I date other people? I don't know that it's a good time for that, either, but I kind of like the idea...

6. Mother's day...I was depressed all day, mostly because for the past 3 Mother's Days, I've thought, well the next one I will definitely be a mom...so I tried so freaking hard to not be selfish, to spend time with my mom, but I was so sad, I ended up being a jerk to her...thinking more seriously about a kittidog or a cat...

7. I'm also changing my house. I'm getting rid of a bunch of furniture, maybe getting a few new pieces. I'm going to paint my bedroom purple, and move out of my cave. I'm going to look into getting my front door fixed (Chris put it in, and did a half-assed job, as usual...I'm embarrassed of it). Also got a new mailbox and house numbers. If I get all these things done this summer, my next projects will include painting my kitchen, and getting tile in my kitchen and laundry room. I doubt I'll do it all, because of money, mostly, but also because I'm kind of lazy...but I want to keep busy this summer...I love summer, it makes me feel more alive, so I want to take the opportunity to make my house more livable, and more MINE.

Things I have learned recently

2007-05-10T13:08:00.000-05:00

1. I didn't like the person I was when I was married to Chris, but now that we're divorced, I'm still that person I didn't like...I need to learn how to be the true me, the one I like more often than not.

2. People generally find it easier to support the person being left, in a divorce. It's hard for them to support the one who initiates it. Even if they think that person might have been justified in leaving, and especially when they don't know any details.

3. My mom thinks the reason I want a new pet (kitty dog or a cat) is because I want a baby so badly, and it will temporarily fill that hole. It's probably true.

4. I am so hungry to be loved and adored. It is just as possible that I sabotaged my relationship with Eric as he did, because I was scared he wouldn't ever love me. Which, it's still early, there is no reason for me to think that, except that I'm so starved for it. I am completely scared. I know that I could fall in love with someone forever, but I don't know that someone could fall in love with me forever. Now that I've been divorced once, I am paranoid about it ever happening again.

5. I get way ahead of myself and worry about stuff that's not close to happening. Which I already knew, but #4 up there only confirms it.

6. When the Holy Spirit nudges, you should listen. Even if it means taking a chance, it will bless your life.

7. God is faithful. Which I also already knew, but it's a lesson I need to learn over and over again.

8. I need to move out of my cave. Since the divorce, I watch TV in my bedroom, eat in my bedroom, I moved my computer in there, so I study in my bedroom. Living in my whole house will help me live instead of hide.

Blog titles

2007-05-10T09:03:00.000-05:00

I'm trying out new blog titles...

"Cool, tall, vulnerable and luscious" is from a Liz Phair song I really like, and all those words can occasionally describe me (except maybe "cool", I've always had trouble with that one)...but it wasn't quite right...I think it might have even made people uncomfortable a little...well it did me.

Anyway, I used "Joyride with Hope" for a few seconds, and changed it to "A Hopeful Shade of Drama" which doesn't really make sense unless you don't think about it. And I'm okay with that...

but the fact that I care so much about having a witty blog title that represents me well...makes me feel a little neurotic but it's really how I am about everything. I like for my stuff to be uniquely me. Even my notebook (pink with inspirational word stickers) and pens (burgundy, teal, purple, pink) for school. I know, I am strange...

Grades

2007-05-08T21:44:00.000-05:00

Narrative Witness to Christ -- B+
Life Cycles; Pastoral Care -- B+

I feel quite wonderful right now! All my hard work was worth it!! I feel smart!

Four Crushes

2007-05-08T10:21:00.000-05:00

This is another link from Defective Yeti.
And it's another New Yorker article...
I can certainly relate to it. It's got "me" written all over it, although it was written by a man...oh well...

Four Short Crushes

What hooked me:

"...you search the room—for what?

For a soul mate, perhaps?

(I know, I know—I hate that phrase, too. Maybe that will end up being one of those things we both hate.) Maybe a few weeks from now, lying in your bed on a Sunday morning, I’ll ask you, “What’s your least favorite word or phrase?,” and you’ll say, “ ‘Soul mate,’ ” and I’ll laugh till you say, “What? Tell me!,” and I’ll tell you how I knew that from the moment I first laid eyes on you, and then we’ll have sex again.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. You haven’t even noticed me yet. That’s O.K. I can wait."

the weekend

2007-05-04T11:39:00.000-05:00

(this post was started on Friday, but I've edited it and I'm now posting it on Monday, May 7)

1. Friday morning at 2:10am I finished the Exegesis paper. It was 6 pages long (was supposed to be 10-12 pages), and I didn't even read through it before I emailed it to the professor...I know that's bad, both things, but it was seriously all that I could squeeze out. It was the best I could do. I'm hoping for some sort of C...If that's the case, I may be able to pull off a B- in the class.

2. I had a break down Thursday, let me tell you all about it! We had our last Life Cycles Pastoral Care class at 9am. The only reason we met at all was so the last group could do their presentation, which was on Family Violence. I love this class, but the something that sucks about it is when people present on things they have no experience with or understanding of, they can come off sounding unsympathetic and clinical. For example, the guy who presented on emotional abuse actually admitted he had not previously thought it was real. He thought it was just AN EXCUSE PEOPLE USED TO GET OUT OF THEIR MARRIAGE. But when he proceeded to explain what it actually is, he referred only to the emotional abuse of children, mostly neglect. Which is tragic, I whole heartily agree, but I felt that the abuse I endured was dismissed. As possibly FICTIONAL. I once told Chris I wished he would just hit me, because then I would know what to do. I know if you are physically abused, you should leave the marriage, but I didn't feel justified in leaving over emotional abuse. And if this Jeff kid had been my pastor, he would have agreed with me.

Well I'm tired of talking about this, and it gets really ugly, so let me just say I ended up screaming at my dad on the phone, and he came over and let me vent. I have good parents. Quest for inexpensive therapy continues.

3. I have decided what classes I'm taking next semester. Specialized Ministries (I'll get to know the Madison County prison chaplain!) and Constructive Theology 1 (this is about the trinity -- my favorite!)...I'm looking forward to both classes, the former is with Dr. Brewer. Also my friend Adam -- who has been in all my classes so far -- will also be in both of these.

4. I actually have a talent for bass guitar...who knew! I only practiced for an hour last week, and I was able to sight read some music at my lesson. The youthie giving me lessons was impressed. Now that we're actually playing music instead of just finger exercises I find it much more interesting and worthwhile...I've always played melodic instruments, so it's a transition, but I wouldn't mind playing with the praise band when said youthie graduates (which is actually in about a month).

5. This will be another crazy week. Today I have to finish my last paper (got an extension on that one, too) and have a massive play practice...this Friday and Saturday will be the performances for the youth Dinner Theater, to raise money for camp. Tonight's practice will be the first with costumes, mics, lights and a full stage (we had to have someone build an addition to our little stage)...so hopefully we'll get something done. This is my day off, by the way:) So basically the rest of the week will be focused on the play. I'm nervous, but somehow this stuff always works out, thank the Lord!

6. But I did have a lovely weekend -- Friday got to see my great friend Amy, and also saw Eric for the first time since the break up...I really don't think this is the end. We will work out our individual problems, and find a way to be together. There is a chance that he is the one. *sigh*
Then on Saturday I went to the farmer's market with Amy and her 2 yr old...we had a good time, but it was quick because Amy is a pro at the farmer's market. Then Saturday evening I spent time with my "cop friend"...of which some may not approve, but we talked about emotional boundaries, and it was fine.
Two bad things -- both nights I went to BW3s and apparently they have stopped selling Newcastle. I was bummed, but I made due. Second thing was that I woke up with the runs on Sunday morning, and had stomach cramps all day...not fun.

Choices

2007-05-01T15:17:00.000-05:00

One of my youth kids wrote this poem. He posted it on his blog on myspace, but also sent it to my inbox. I think it's wonderful, and at this point in time I can really relate to it.

Choices

Sometimes in life you must make a choice,
The one that almost fails your voice.
It all comes down to you,
So what do you do?

Do you leave your friend out to dry?
Do you want to have him ask you why?
I don’t know if I could do it,
But then he’d say, “I knew you wouldn’t do it”

If the things you want were easy to get
Would you ever want to make a bet,
To risk it all for one you care about
So that you would have to do without?

Would you save your self when times were bad?
Instead of looking out for your own dad?
Why do we put ourselves
Through the torment that we do?

When all is said and all is done,
Could you say, “I chose the right one”?
I want to be able to say yes.
That I made the choice that was the best.

My week so far

2007-05-01T14:09:00.000-05:00

1. I got an extension on my Exegesis paper...even so, the probability of my getting it done by then is small.

2. I need a beer. Actually maybe a couple. Yes, two frosty Newcastles (mmmmmm, Newcastle!) and a good long cry...and some candy. Chocolate candy, maybe just some m&ms...yeah, that sounds lovely. Beer and m&ms.

3. maybe I should rent Amelie AGAIN. It makes me happy and sad and then happy again. I should purchase that movie at some point when I have money to blow on films.

4. I am in love with a woman named Anne Lamott. My friend Jen gave me a book by Ms. Lamott entitled Traveling Mercies, and it was uncanny the way I read pages from that book that were directly related to what was going on in my life at that precise moment...no, I've never been an alcoholic, or a bulimic...and I am not a single parent...oh and no to the dreadlocks...but really, it's like we have the same life:)

5. I was directed to this video from Defective Yeti, and I've watched it many many times...as well as other videos featuring the same people...for some reason I'm fascinated by them, especially this guy.

6. Now I'm sure you're wondering how I could possibly do all this time wasting stuff when I have a big paper to write. It's called I'm already a procrastinator, but now with the break up occupying every inch of my brain and then being told I have too much drama, and am I now going to settle down and not date for awhile? and generally not having one person in my church I can talk to, or anyone really, except for the person with whom I broke up, and I don't think that's a wise idea but who's thinking wisely right now? It's sure not me!

7. Oh okay I do have an appointment with the beloved Dr. Brewer tomorrow, he is one of my professors. He is the closest thing I have to a pastor (I like my pastor at church very much, but I can't talk to him) and he is one of the very few who shows genuine interest in my mucky, muddy walk.

8. I'm glad I have good friends (Like Amy P. Harden) to tell me over and over, Bec you made the right decision...keep telling me!!!

9. And my last, fearful thought...how can someone as damaged and depressed and wrung dry possibly be a good leader for young people. Do I deserve this job? Am I even any good at it anymore? Was I REALLY called to ministry, because it feels like I REALLY suck at it. Have I misread God's signals this whole time?

a couple days after the break up

2007-04-29T22:09:00.000-05:00

Dear Eric,

You suddenly appeared in my life from out of nowhere six months ago, and in a gay bar of all places. It was pure joy getting to know you through the three questions game on email, and eventually on the phone and weekend dates. You didn't think it was weird that I have a phone phobia, or at least you didn't hold it against me. We had crazy mind blowing chemistry, and I was swept off my feet by how you supported and respected me. You were a breath of fresh air. It got pretty hard for awhile, everything going wrong right when we were starting to fall, and we really did everything in our power to make it work.

I'm sorry I'm so needy, and I forgive you for not being able to provide what I needed. In the past week you have said a few things that really hurt my feelings, and several things that touched my heart. I'm so glad we can stay friends, because it feels like going back to the best part of our relationship so far. And I love saying "so far" because I know that no matter what our future holds, we do have a future, even if it's only ever as friends.

At the moment I'm not dealing well. I wrote you an email and stared at it for twenty minutes before I deleted it and wrote one line before sending it. I've picked up my phone at least 8 times today to call or text you, and then I decided I shouldn't. It was a really hard day, and while many good things happened, I can't for the life of me remember any of them. All I can remember is all the things I forgot and messed up...in addition to getting jalapeno in my eye, got a hateful voicemail because of one of the things I forgot, and cried in a public place, with the District Superintendent in the next room. I recently read that to get past grief and move on, you have to let yourself actually grieve (what a concept, right?). Well I have two important papers due this week, and many other responsibilities that will keep me from really relishing my grief. However, knowing myself the way I do, the grief will take over and laugh bitterly at the silly Exegesis paper that thinks it will be finished in time.

But that's neither here nor there.

It's rough right now, but I know our decision to break up was the right one, which means peace will eventually overcome all the the sorrow. You are right, I am strong, and this is only going to make me stronger.

Sincere Best Wishes,
Scrubs

Break Up

2007-04-28T08:51:00.000-05:00

I don't have much time, my parents are picking me up in a few minutes to go to the zoo! I just wanted to say that last night, Eric and I broke up.

And it was the most healthy, beautiful, caring break up in the history of the world. We are still very good friends, and this isn't like with Chris, where being friends was more out of necessity than desire...Eric and I are already good friends, and it means a lot that we can stay that way!

Okay, to the zoo!

New Dog Tricks

2007-04-12T21:11:00.000-05:00

Chino and I have created a new game that gets me laughing so hard and loud I can't even stand up to play very long.

He stands on my bed facing me, as I stand next to the bed and flip my ankle socks like a rubber band across the bed. He flips around fast, grabs the sock and tosses it back to me as I flip the next one. We can go like this until he stops throwing them back at me or I collapse laughing on the floor. Maybe you have to beeee therrrre:)

Narrative Witness to a Life

2007-04-11T10:29:00.000-05:00

Last night I had Narrative Witness to Christ class. Yeah, the Gospels. It's a strange class, because it is both too hard and too easy. It is a joke, but also, over my head. The Prof is a new guy, and he is very friendly. I've chatted with him outside of class, and I like him. But in the classroom, I don't really understand what's going on. When he lectures, it's easy to take notes, because he kind of lectures in note taking format, since well, he's reading his notes directly from his laptop. We've had two quizzes, and the most recent one I somehow got EVERY QUESTION CORRECT. It was a True False quiz (much harder than it sounds), 15 questions. Then last night we did a "round table discussion" on the Synoptic Problem (which is, which of the three main Gospels was written first, who used whose gospel as a reference, and what other materials were used as reference). First of all, I think it's an interesting question, but some of the theories are a little out there...including the one I was supposed to argue. Which somehow, I didn't really do...somehow, amidst my group planning, and discussion with my partner on our section of the presentation...I ended up just reading some scripture so he could explain it. This is worth 15% of my grade, and all the Professor saw me do was read scripture. My partner told me it was no big deal, that it's a blow off class, blah blah blah...but he's not the one on academic probation. He is a little miffed that I did so well on that quiz and he didn't, maybe he's trying to sabotage me! Hahaha, not really, he's not that kind. Or is he?

Anyway, after class I went to a movie with some people from seminary. This is significant because I have never done anything social with people from seminary. Oh, I've had coffee with one person, or dinner with a couple, but never something with (gasp) 6 other people, and I only knew 2 of them! I wasn't really interested in the movie (Breach. Not bad, but not something I would have chosen to see) and again, didn't know most the people we went with, but I really need to be more social. I need to have more friends. And seminary people are probably good friends to have...maybe not all of them, but most the people I've met so far have been lovely.

I know this is getting long, but I have one other story...
I started researching AU, to see if they offer counseling to School of Theology students. I got an email back saying that they do, but that they don't meet during the summer, so really what's the point if they're only there the rest of this month. But the thing that freaked me out was that the person who replied to my email (not the person I sent the email to, mind you) was the wife of a friend who's in one of my classes. I've never met her, but I've heard about her, and she has probably heard about me, since her husband and I were in a presentation group together this whole semester. It's not really a big deal, but my email mentioned that I am recently divorced and I'm not dealing well with it...anyway not stuff I want my classmates to know. I think she most likely has to keep that stuff confidential, but when going to therapy, I'd like to keep the info to as small a group as possible. It really isn't a big deal at all, I am aware I'm making something out of nothing, I'm just a little embarrassed, I guess. I'm in a class learning how to care for and counsel others, and I need counseling myself. I'm still not over a divorce I was relieved to get, and I feel like I'm not supposed to talk about it anymore. But then it feels like it's all I talk about...hmmm.

Reflections 10 years later

2007-04-08T21:27:00.000-05:00

Today...Easter...my favorite holiday. One reason is that ten years ago, my call to ministry occurred on Easter. The story is a part of my life, and the retelling is always moving for me...

I had just returned from a Spring Break in Missions...a group of my college friends and I went to North Carolina and helped people whose houses were damaged in a hurricane. I helped build a floor! My best friend went on the trip, and came home with me. Sweet Akemi is Buddhist, but she still went to church with my family.

At the Sunrise Service my dad has done since I can remember, the congregation stands in a circle around the sanctuary and we share Holy Communion. I was with my best friend, my family, my church family who had supported me through high school, and I was on a spiritual high from a powerful mission trip. I watched my dad walk down the aisle to put the bread back, as he hummed along with the old hymn from the organ. And I felt a wave go through me. I had an overwhelming feeling that that is what I should be doing. Growing up a preacher's kid, I never was interested in being a minister, so the feeling I had was most definitely not coming from myself.

So now, ten years later...I'm thinking of all I've been through since then. I graduated college, after too much partying and being on Prozac for awhile. I met and married the wrong man, who did not have a relationship with Christ and who brought me down time and time again. With this man I tried to have a baby, and went through the devastating pain of not being able to conceive. I went through the confusion of a divorce, which was positive yet difficult, and I'm still working through it all. And yet, with all this crap, I found a job at a church. I started seminary. I've overcome a debilitating life and started a new, more Christ centered life (only with the help of God!). Ten years after calling me to minister, God is still faithful. My life is definitely not what I thought it would be, but I'm moving forward.

Having said all that...I'm also considering going to a therapist. I've been depressed and lathargic lately, and I hate it. I'm still in love with my youthies, but my work is getting me down, and I really don't do much. I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to leave my house, yet I feel like a prisoner in my house. I feel very alone, and sometimes I'm happy about that, and sometimes I cry about it. I feel guilty for talking about it so much to my friends, so I think maybe a therapist would be good for me. I'm afraid I'll start making very bad decisions again, in order to feel better, so I need to get help.

"I will sing to the Lord
And I will lift my voice
For You have heard my cry

I will sing to the Lord
And I will lift my hands
For You have brought me out of the pit
For You have brought me out of the pit"

Ode to a cat and a dog

2007-04-06T15:11:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in awhile because I don't really feel like I have anything to say...and nothing of note has happened to me...and not many people read my blog anyway:)

I think the only constant in my life is my pets. They both sleep with me every night, they like to cuddle with me, they don't judge me, they don't let me down. Although I can go from loving them to hating them to loving them again in the same 60 seconds. Chino listens and obeys really well most of the time, but sometimes, I'll tell him to lay down and he just stares at me. He knows what I'm saying and what he's expected to do but he just acts like it's optional. Also when he's outside at the same time as the neighbor's three dogs, I can forget trying to get his attention. Because of the ring worm he had when the Humane Society picked him up, he was not socialized with other dogs, so he still acts like a puppy, even though he's almost 3. In fact the two older neighbor dogs get pretty annoyed with him quickly, and it's only the Rott puppy that pays any attention to him.

Hawkeye's favorite ways to annoy me are all morning wake ups. wiss wiss wiss noises as he "sharpens" his ghost claws on my suitcase, sitting in my card-making box of supplies (for some reason I'm so scared he's going to pee on my beautiful colored card stock, although he rarely goes outside his box), and trying to get in the window by my head are his favorite tricks. He believes if he annoys me enough, I'll wake up and feed his fat ass. Occasionally, if he's really desperately hungry, he'll get on the counter in the bathroom and knock some jewelry or hair supplies on the floor. This cat gained weight from weight loss food. I followed the instructions, but I suspect perhaps he nips some dog food from time to time...I can't figure out how else he's getting so round.

But then they both curl up next to me, sometimes Hawkeye will even lay on my chest or lounge on my shoulder, while he sniffs my eyelashes. Chino rests his chin on my knee or stretches out next to me and put a paw on my waist (it's really the sweetest thing) and I don't hate them anymore...They also both like to watch me get ready in the morning...brush my teeth, blow dry my hair (Chino is scared to death of the blow dryer, but he stands watch to make sure it doesn't suck my head in), and while I put on my make up, Hawkeye lounges on the counter and grabs my hand whenever it's close...

I suppose when I have a family I won't want to write blogs about my pets...that my friends who have spouses and kids might find me amusingly pathetic and thank God that they aren't in "that place" anymore...but in a time when close friends are far away and only a few acquaintances are close...when the "significant other" lives 2 hours away and seeing him for a couple hours a week is the best I can hope for...when my job is less than fulfilling, and school is difficult and sometimes emotional...I am very grateful for the constant, unconditional love of my fuzzy dudes.

Sweetly Broken

2007-03-20T13:33:00.000-05:00

We sang this song in our Ensemble worship service last Sunday...I'd never heard it, and I'm not typically one to focus on the image of the cross -- don't get me wrong, it's important and I believe in it, but I'm more inspired by the risen Christ, we are Easter People!

Anyway, when we sang this song, it stuck with me, and brought tears to my eyes, especially the lines, "you've called me out of death. You've called me into life." because I was feeling pretty beat down Sunday morning. Everything in my life seemed to be caving in on me, but this song reminded me it's a gift to be broken, to be able to wholly surrender. I don't know if this is Jeremy Riddle's video, but I appreciate the words being there, because they are so important...

New Car!

2007-02-24T08:36:00.000-06:00

First I just want to say I'm disappointed to not have any jokes posted below...maybe I should have told you why I'm collecting them. Eric had emergency surgery this week. His recovery is a little slow, and I'm going crazy because there's nothing I can do for him. I'm not able to visit him or send him a care package, and we can't even talk very long because he has been sleeping a lot -- which of course he needs. So the only thing I can think of to do is text him jokes. He's already heard all of mine:) so I've gotten some from ebaumsworld, but most of the ones there are long, and aren't conducive to texting...so could you help me out? They can be dirty, not plitically correct, whatever...

Okay, now to this blog.
I'm buying a new car!! So stoked!! I'm really wanting a Chevy Malibu Maxx. Ever since they came out in late 04, I've been in love with this car. Here's what it looks like:

The greatest thing about this car is the hatchback squarey shape, which you can't really see in this picture...I am not sure I can afford this car, it's very close to being affordable, but I need to go in and actually talk to someone. I'll be trading in my stupid truck, and hopefully they'll give me what Kelley Blue Book says it's worth.
Anyway, if I can't afford it, my second choice is a Pontiac Vibe. My dad has one, and it's so great to drive, it's a hatchback (which I really would like to have) and it gets amazing gas mileage. Here's the one I'm considering:

So yeah, it's orange. I like it, but will I like it for 5 years? I don't know, what do you think? I'm almost ready to chuck the Maxx idea for awhile...but I keep coming back to the fact that I love that car. I've never gotten to pick my car before, I just want to make a decision that's responsible, but will make me happy...

collecting jokes

2007-02-21T11:34:00.000-06:00

I need some good jokes -- what are your favorites? Question-answer jokes are the best, but any joke that makes you laugh over and over will work!

I am a big fan of puns, too...

Did you hear the one about the fly on the toilet seat?
He got pissed off...

hahahahahaha! Love it.

Alex P. Keaton's thoughts on God

2007-02-18T16:06:00.000-06:00

Adventures in Single Girl World

2007-02-16T16:49:00.000-06:00

This week has been a joke. It really makes me wonder how on earth I though I'd be good at living in a house by myself...

So, pretty much all day Tuesday, it snowed. And sleeted a while, but we ended up with roughly 15 in. of snow. It's really hard to tell, because of all the drifting. I also woke up Tuesday morning without a voice...I'm still a little sick, it comes and goes, but I'm fine, thank you. Tuesday was a nice day, really, there was no reason to try to do anything about the snow since it kept falling all day, work called to say "stay home!" and I was perfectly happy to do so...

I have been wanting to read for pleasure, since my school books pretty much monopolize my reading time -- not that I read them often, just that when I feel like reading, I know I SHOULD be reading homework...so usually I just don't read at all:) I had also decided I wanted to re-read the Harry Potter series since the new movie and final book are due out this July...have to pay close attention to details people! Who knows what Jo will whip out from the first books! So yeah, that's what I did Tuesday. Read Book 1.

Wednesday opened with sunny skies and a hell of a lot of snow. During our morning phone call, I confided in boyfriend my concerns in my ability to shovel out my driveway...I'm a pansy, and also, lazy, and no one would come help me! He made fun of me and told me to suck it up. Which yeah, I was whining and sounded like and ass, so of course I deserved it. So I bundled up, shoveled through the sidewalk from my house to garage -- not too bad! Just a few minutes really. Then I opened my garage door...it started at about 7 inches, and had drifted to about a foot and a half in the middle. No, not long, not that wide, but, yeah it sucked. I got about 1/3 of the way through and decided to start on the front sidewalk, to feel like I was actually getting something accomplished.

I am probably the champion of feeling sorry for myself. I thought about a friend complaining about the way her husband was clearing their driveway, thought about how my ex-husband used to knock out all the shoveling in a couple hours no worse for the ware, thought about my dad and his swanky snowblower. Tried to think of ANYONE I could call to just help me, who wouldn't see it as a burden. But really everyone in town was in the same boat, no one could have gotten to me if they wanted to. I felt very alone.

Then I finally got the driveway shoveled. All done, but then realized my alley had not been plowed. So even if I could now get my little S10 out of the driveway, there's no way I could get it out of the alley. So Thursday morning I had to get a ride to class. I only went to class because I had a group presentation.

Then this morning, I felt good...I decided I could go to work and get some things done for Sunday...I found that my alley had been plowed finally, so I was looking forward to getting the hell out of my house! And then, I got stuck. See, I really have no business driving a truck. I don't realize how wide I have to turn, so what I shovelled out was not wide enough for me to back up and turn into the alley...so I was stuck crossing the alley, snow heap behind, snow heap in front. I felt like a total fool. I tried going forwards and back. I tried shovelling out the snow heaps. I went back and forth between these two things as my freak out level is rising. I finally called my dad in a panic. And his first question is, "is it an automatic?" HELLO! THE TRUCK IS IN YOUR NAME, DON'T YOU KNOW YOUR DAUGHTER CAN'T DRIVE MANUAL? I MIGHT have taken out my frustrations on him.

He finally showed up and helped me, and we figured out how far I would have to dig in order to be able to properly back out. And I did, but THEN my POWER STEERING WENT OUT. Perfect. so now, not only do I have a tight curve to get into my driveway, but I CAN'T MAKE TIGHT CURVES. It takes all my strength to turn at all. Come back to my house, I drove around the block probably 4 times to find a way to get into my driveway.

So this is when I feel the most lonely. This is when I feel like I'm NOT okay on my own. This is when I feel really vulnerable. This is when I'm considering moving into an appartment. The feeling of not having anyone who WANTS to help me out...it really sucks. (see I told you. Champion!)

Daily Monster 88

2007-02-13T07:04:00.000-06:00

So Heather Armstrong from Dooce has gotten me into the Daily Monster. Stefan G. Bucher draws a new monster every day, and you watch the timelapse video as the monster is created..I'm a little disappointed I've only found it when he's at monster 84 (today was 88) and he's only doing 100, but I enjoy having this new thing to watch every morning...

So today I have no voice, and couldn't go out if I wanted to (thanks to the lovely weather) so I'm sharing the Daily Monster number 88 with you...he's a cutie!

raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens

2007-02-06T22:12:00.000-06:00

I've had a crappy week, and it's only Tuesday.
So I decided to make a list of some things that make me happy.

1. reading random blogs. Dooce is a good one to make me smile, especially if I check out her "poop" archives. She talks about it way more than I do. It is a guarateed laugh, for me anyway:)

2. buying clothes. This is why I love Old Navy. I certainly don't have the funds at the moment to be blowing cash on unnecessaries, but my last visit to Old Navy left me with a tank top, a long sleeved top and a sweater for $19. I feel terrible knowing WHY their clothes are so inexpensive, but unfortunately, not terrible enough to stop shopping there.

3. chocolate. Let me tell you, today was a bad one, but a milk chocolate Dove bar certainly helped. I only really crave chocolate once a month (ahem), but when I'm feeling depressed, it eases my pain. I think there have been studies done on this. But if you want to know about them, you'll have to research it yourself, because I don't wanna:)

4. my pets. I've mentioned this before in another blog I have, but I can't tell you enough how much my dog and cat have gotten me through. They actually LIKE to be around me! And not just because I feed them! In a town where I feel rather lonely, I appreciate having two babies who fight over who can lay on mama's lap. This afternoon I was taking a nap, and my house is rather drafty -- especially with the negative temperatures we've been having lately. Hawkeye (the cat) lay next to me, we were face to face, and he was just close enough that I could warm my nose in his fluffy chest as he purrrrred me to sleep.

5. my friends. Although none of my close friends live in Anderson, I have had the good fortune to talk to Amy this week, and go out with my friend Jeffrey. I got to see Jeffrey's play, which was stellar -- he does a one-man show that he wrote, discussing the complexities of being Queer and Christian. Very moving. Both Amy and Jeffrey are AMAZING PEOPLE yes, in the capital letter sense. I'm so lucky to have people who have so much faith in me.

6. Eric. You've been wondering how I could have gone this long without writing a blog mentioning my gorgeous boyfriend, haven't you. A lot of crap has been going on with me lately, and I've honestly been worried that it would be too much for him. That either the problems or the way I handle them would scare him away, but he's been nothing but supportive. I'm also worried that he'll get sick of ALL MY DAMN WORRYING, but he just goes on being spectacular. He said, "don't you know that I get you?" I've never dated a guy who "got" me.

Testicular Implants for Pets

2007-01-31T13:44:00.000-06:00

What is this about?
Is this really something dogs (and cats!) are concerned about?
I have two male, neutered animals at home, are they collecting my loose change, saving up in the hopes of one day purchasing testicular implants? Am I just naive to think they don't remember they had balls?

And, would it be completely nuts (ha!) if I was considering buying a Neuticles keychain? I just really find that hilarious.

I Smile

2007-01-25T15:20:00.000-06:00

In preparing for Youth Sunday, our Worship Leader gave me a packet of possible songs for the youth praise band that go with our theme. Some I know well, others I've never heard -- he also burned CDs with all the songs so I could hear them -- very helpful! One song that caught my eye is called I Smile by Russ Lee. I've never heard of this guy, I don't know anything about him but this song resonates with me, especially one part in particular:

I smile when I think about
The way You've turned my life around
I smile when I think about
The happiness in You I've found
I'm so amazed at what Your love has done
And when I think the best is yet to come
I smile!
I smile!

No, not a deeply theological or philosophical song, it's not even all that original, but when I look at how different my life is now from a year ago, I smile!! hehehehe:) The beauty is in the simplicity and the truth.

...and when I think the best is yet to come...

Observations on Family

2007-01-25T11:15:00.000-06:00

In my Pastoral Care class this morning the professor was talking about family...which fits, since the title of the course is Family Life Cycles. We were defining the different forms of family, what a family is and can be. Before I go on, I want to say that this professor is very sensitive to our differences, and usually goes out of his way to embrace and be aware of people's issues...this will make more sense when I get to my point.

He was talking about the roles of a mother, roles of a father, and how when he meets a truly joyful person, who reflects the fruit of the spirit, he wants to know about their family life. He said you can tell that a person like that had a family that reflected those virtues. Which I suppose generally is true. But there is a guy in my class, a friend of mine, for whom it is not true. He is a genuine guy, everyone is friends with him, he reflects Jesus. But he had a traumatic childhood that could be made into a movie, and was raised by non-Christian family members who did not set this example for him. If you know me, you know that I would never judge someone for not being a christian, I'm just saying my friend did not learn his values, beliefs or even his easy-going friendly attitude from those who raised him. I asked him about how the class discussion affected him, and he admitted that it's hard for him to hear and talk about. Mothers Day and Fathers Day are both difficult for him.

It was just something heavy on my heart. Although I've had some recent hardships in the past few years, it's very clear to me that "that ain't nothin'" and I'm so blessed. I don't really have a direction I'm going with this, I'm just having a lot of thoughts this afternoon about how family has affected me, and how my friend has become the person he is without that support and love of a mother and father. It seems to me he was truly raised by Christ.

Things my boyfriend says

2007-01-23T22:24:00.000-06:00

Go to this site.
Hilarious:)

Death penalty nun

2007-01-23T11:42:00.000-06:00

I heard Sister Helen Prejean speak today. She said, "if you put in Google, death penalty nun...that's me!" Funny and true:)

This April will be the 10 year anniversary of my call to ministry...and also 10 years ago this spring, I met Sister Helen and she changed my life. Watching the movie Dead Man Walking, based on her book, was a moving experience, but it wasn't until I read the book and had the opportunity to meet Sister Prejean that I felt a strong pull...a deep passionate cry to minister to prison inmates. It's always seemed kind of funny to me...I'm a generally introverted, sheltered midwestern white girl who is very sensitive and a bit naive. I wondered how in the world God would equip me to follow this plan of God's, what exactly it was that made me the right person for this call.

I've had some hard times since then...much fear and doubt, running away from God's love and good plans for me. Even today I have had doubts about my worthiness of this call, but Sister Prejean brought it all back into focus for me. Hearing her and seing her fire for reflecting the love and radical change of Jesus gives me new hope.

Return of the Prodigal Son

2007-01-15T12:44:00.000-06:00

Reading The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen for my Pastoral Care class. I am finding that Nouwen is somewhat of a kindred spirit -- I can closely relate to many of the personal feelings he discusses in his books. I've only begun the book today but it's already moving me -- here's an excerpt that jumped out at me:

"Constantly falling back into an old trap, before I am even fully aware of it, I find myself wondering why someone hurt me, rejected me, or didn't pay attention to me. Without realizing it, I find myself brooding about someone else's success, my own loneliness, and the way the world abuses me. Despite my conscious intentions, I often catch myself daydreaming about becoming rich, powerful and very famous. All of these mental games reveal to me the fragility of my faith that I am the Beloved One on whom God's favor rests. I am so afraid of being disliked, blamed, put aside, passed over, ignored, persecuted, and killed, that I am constantly developing strategies to defend myself and thereby assure myself of the love I think I need and deserve. And in so doing I move far away from my father's home and choose to dwell in a "distant country.""

breakdown

2007-01-10T20:58:00.000-06:00

I am so frustrated and sad and I don't have anyone to talk to!!!

Eric, you're right, it does seem like every step forward we take, we have to go back three.

Amy, I know you're going through a tough time, but I need you! I also want to help you but I don't know how!

You're pretty much the only ones who read my blog anyway...I'm assuming, because no one leaves any comments.

I wrote that whole blog about how well I'm handling the long distance thing, and then today I just crashed...I don't even understand why it was today. So it didn't work out, we'll see each other tomorrow! It's just one thing after another, it's so hard! How come now that I have an amazing, caring boyfriend, I'm not allowed to see him or talk to him!!

I think I may be PMSing. Most of the time I can handle it because I know what we have is the real thing...I believe it will work out in the end. I'm just a mess right now. A big pile of steaming poo.

This and that

2007-01-06T23:08:00.000-06:00

Long distance is hard.

So many things make it even harder, but to me, the more actively you have to work at a relationship, the more precious it becomes if it's meant to be...distance forces you to decide if the relationship is worth the effort.

I think mine is, because I've honestly never been happier to be someone's girlfriend. Yeah, I'm bummed we haven't gotten to go on a real date for three weeks, but I know it won't always be like this. This is the hard part...like running a marathon, and it's killing you, but you do it with joy because you know in the end the reward will be great (that's a stolen analogy from Henri Nouwen).

In other news, my classes start up again on Thursday. I'm taking Life Cycles, a Pastoral care class, and a Jesus class -- I don't remember the full title, something like the Narrative Witness of Christ, or something like that. They can't just call it "the Gospels" or "the Jesus class"...hehehe:) Anyway both look interesting and I'm very excited to do better than last semester! I worked my ass off, but in leaving out one essential assignment in each class I screwed it all up. I WILL NOT do that again. It's too important. I don't remember ever wanting so much to learn.

Lifesong

2007-01-03T14:08:00.000-06:00

An older song, but so powerful, every time I hear it I want it to be true of myself.

Lifesong
by Casting Crowns

Empty Hands held high
Such Small sacrifice
If not joined with my life
I sing in vain tonight

May the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to you
Chorus:
Let my lifesong sing to You
Let my lifesong sing to You
I want to sign your name
to the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to You

LORD, I give my life
A Living sacrifice
To reach a world in need
To be your hands and feet

So may the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to You

Chorus

Hallelujah, Hallelujah,
Let my lifesong sing to You

Letting Go of the Past

2007-01-03T13:15:00.000-06:00

My current concern (you know I always have to have one:) is how my divorce is affecting my current relationship. I'm trying very hard to not make the same mistakes I made before, but I'm also afraid I'm trying too hard...

Here are some of the bad habits I picked up in my bad relationship:
1. Being afraid to tell the truth.
2. Giving in too easily to physical temptation.
3. Finding emotional fulfillment in physical (or trying to anyway).
4. Trying too hard to please (and in the process losing my true self).
5. Emotional dependence.
6. Fear of being cut off without notice.

There are other things, but they are pretty much in these 6 categories...some I can work to correct in myself, but I think some will just come in time, in trusting and letting go. Letting go is the most difficult thing for me. Whether I'm giving up control to God or a person, it's so hard for me. I have a strange relationship with trust. I feel like I trust quickly and easily, but at the same time, I like control.

Every morning I must make that concious effort to let go -- IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM. God's plans are always better than my own.

I Stand by the Door

2006-12-29T21:42:00.000-06:00

We read the following poem in class about a month ago, and I have not been able to forget it...it is a little long, but I hope you will take the time to read the whole thing. In case it's just too much, the third stanza is my favorite...

I Stand by the Door
by Sam Shoemaker

I stand by the door.
I neither go too far in, nor stay too far out,
The door is the most important door in the world-
It is the door through which people walk when they find God.
There's no use my going way inside, and staying there,
When so many are still outside and they, as much as I,
Crave to know where the door is.
And all that so many ever find
Is only the wall where a door ought to be.
They creep along the wall like blind people,
With outstretched, groping hands.
Feeling for a door, knowing there must be a door,
Yet they never find it ...
So I stand by the door.
The most tremendous thing in the world
Is for people to find that door--the door to God.
The most important thing any person can do
Is to take hold of one of those blind, groping hands,
And put it on the latch--the latch that only clicks
And opens to the person's own touch.
People die outside that door, as starving beggars die
On cold nights in cruel cities in the dead of winter—
Die for want of what is within their grasp.
They live, on the other side of it--live because they have not found it.
Nothing else matters compared to helping them find it,
And open it, and walk in, and find Him ...
So I stand by the door.

Go in, great saints, go all the way in--
Go way down into the cavernous cellars,
And way up into the spacious attics--
It is a vast roomy house, this house where God is.
Go into the deepest of hidden casements,
Of withdrawal, of silence, of sainthood.
Some must inhabit those inner rooms.
And know the depths and heights of God,
And call outside to the rest of us how wonderful it is.
Sometimes I take a deeper look in,
Sometimes venture in a little farther;
But my place seems closer to the opening ...
So I stand by the door.

There is another reason why I stand there.
Some people get part way in and become afraid
Lest God and the zeal of His house devour them
For God is so very great, and asks all of us.
And these people feel a cosmic claustrophobia,
And want to get out. "Let me out!" they cry,
And the people way inside only terrify, them more.
Somebody must be by the door to tell them that they are spoiled
For the old life, they have seen too much:
Once taste God, and nothing but God will do any more.
Somebody must be watching for the frightened
Who seek to sneak out just where they came in,
To tell them how much better it is inside.
The people too far in do not see how near these are
To leaving--preoccupied with the wonder of it all.
Somebody must watch for those who have entered the door,
But would like to run away. So for them, too,
I stand by the door.

I admire the people who go way in.
But I wish they would not forget how it was
Before they got in. Then they would be able to help
The people who have not, yet even found the door,
Or the people who want to run away again from God,
You can go in too deeply, and stay in too long,
And forget the people outside the door.
As for me, I shall take my old accustomed place,
Near enough to God to hear Him, and know He is there,
But not so far from people as not to hear them,
And remember they are there, too.
Where? Outside the door--
Thousands of them, millions of them.
But--more important for me--
One of them, two of them, ten of them,
Whose hands I am intended to put on the latch.
So I shall stand by the door and wait
For those who seek it.
"I had rather be a door-keeper ..."
So I stand by the door.

Sam Shoemaker, founder of Faith At Work at Calvary Episcopal Church in New York City, in 1926, was also one of the spiritual leaders who helped draft the 12 Steps of A.A.

Blogthings

2006-12-23T19:21:00.000-06:00

Your True Love Is a Cancer

Why you'll love a Cancer:

Cancer's loyal and sincere heart makes your own sensitive heart melt.
Caring and devoted, a Cancer will take the lead in pursuing you - and not give up!

Why a Cancer will love you:

You're laid back enough to deal with Cancer's little mood swings and freak-outs.
A fellow homebody, you know how make Cancer comfortable and at home with you.

What Sign Is Your True Love?

You Are a Mermaid

You are a total daydreamer, and people tend to think you're flakier than you actually are.
While your head is often in the clouds, you'll always come back to earth to help someone in need.
Beyond being a caring person, you are also very intelligent and rational.
You understand the connections of the universe better than almost anyone else.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

You Are a Natural Flirt

Believe it or not, you're a really effective flirt.
And you're so good, you hardly notice that you're flirting.
Your attitude and confidence make you a natural flirt.
And the fact that you don't know it is just that more attractive!

What Kind of Flirt Are You?

You Are A Weeping Willow Tree

You are a dreamer, and you're into almost any kind of escapism.
Restless and capricious, you love to travel to exotic places.
You are easily influenced by others, as long as they don't pressure you.
You tend to suffer in love until you find that one loyal, steadfast partner.
An empathetic friend, you love to make others smile and laugh.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

Reflections on 2006

2006-12-21T15:56:00.000-06:00

2006 -- What a monumental year for me!! Here's some life-changing things that have happened this year, in no particular order:
1. DIVORCE
2. Seminary
3. Taking youth to Institute
4. Living completely on my own for the first time ever.
5. My first gay bar
6. My first drag queen
7. Knowing the Joy of the Lord
8. Knowing the feeling of truly giving something over to God
9. Reconnected with many old friends!
10.Dating
11.Being in a joyful relationship.
12.Writing my mission statement.

Okay, I feel like I need to talk about the divorce. I was thinking about Valentine's Day this year. Chris was depressed because he had just lost his job, so he stayed in bed all day. Didn't buy me a gift, and resented me for buying him a small gift. Didn't even talk to me really, just watched TV in bed and slept.

Of course I thought about divorce all the time during those four years, but it did not seem like a reality. I never thought I'd be able to go through with it, and I wasn't sure I should. I was very confused, and very unhappy. The thought of one day being in a new relationship with a good man was a fantasy. I didn't think it would ever happen. If the me then knew the me now, I think I would have gotten that divorce a lot sooner!!

I am so much happier, just by myself than I ever was in my marriage. I am so much happier in my new relationship than I ever was in my marriage. I feel so blessed that God gave me the strength to get a divorce, because I am now living my fantasy -- a new relationship with a good man. A guy who cares about me and knows how to show it. I never dreamed I'd get a second chance, and I'm just so grateful! Every time I'm bummed because I can't see Eric as often as I'd like, I remember that this is so much better than where I was a year ago!!!

Things on my prayer list:
1. Harden family
2. Walter family
3. Kari's transitions
4. Lee Ann's dad
5. Eric's family and transitions
6. Chris and his family
7. my job
8. clarity for my relationship
9. to live a life worthy of my call
10. God's will be done.

arguing advice from Redbook

2006-12-15T13:41:00.000-06:00

Arguing

Arguing is actually one of the healthiest things you and your guy can do for your relationship.

It's true that nonstop battling isn't great for your love. (See the movie The War of the Roses.) And some couples are so worried about the possible negative effects of arguing - Are we tearing apart our bond? Does it mean we're not meant to be? - that they pride themselves on never arguing. But here's a surprise: Never fighting can be just as bad as constant conflict. In fact, arguing is one of the healthiest things you and your guy can do.

Think of fighting as relationship Drano: Once in a while you have to clean out the pipes. Sure, it gets ugly, but afterward, things flow more smoothly. If, on the other hand, you stuff your anger, it eventually builds up so much that it can sabotage your entire relationship. "We are not clones of one another," says Sam R. Hamburg, Ph.D., a Chicago marital therapist and author of Will Our Love Last?: A Couple's Road Map. "It is inevitable that we will disagree from time to time. So either you verbalize your disagreement, or you don't verbalize it and you harbor resentment, which eventually tears you apart."

Executed correctly, a fight can even be a tool to advance your cause as a couple. "Arguing doesn't always lead to a consensus," says Huston, "but it's useful to your relationship because it can lead to a clarification of your differences and a solution on how to move past them together." Just remember the "right" way to fight: "The key to a good argument is that you can disagree all you want, but you still show respect to your partner," says Huston. Stacks and stacks of research have shown that partners who use arguments as an opportunity to criticize each other or show contempt (by, say, rolling their eyes) are far more likely to separate or divorce.

"Here's the golden rule I tell my clients about fighting," says REDBOOK Love Network expert Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. "You should only talk about the problem long enough that you both understand what the problem is. Then start working on the solution."

Walking Away Angry

Okay, so you're having a "healthy" argument with your guy, and things have gotten superheated. You're getting angrier, your voice is getting louder, and you're saying the same things over and over in an attempt to hammer home your point. Stop and walk away, now. When the fight reaches that fevered pitch, you experience an increased heart rate and a surge in stress hormones, a phenomenon REDBOOK Love Network expert John Gottman, Ph.D., has dubbed "flooding." "Flooding is a physiological response to the stress of an argument that sends your body into fight-or-flight mode," explains Tessina. "The emotional side of your brain is so aroused that it overtakes your logical side, and you're no longer capable of being productive in the fight."

When either of you is flooded, the fight can stray onto ground that isn't just off-topic, but destructive. "Once couples open the floodgates, they start bringing up things that happened years ago, tapping into old feelings of pain and hurt," says Thomas. "It's in these moments of fury that you blurt out hurtful things you would never say in a calm, clear state of mind."

To avoid saying or doing something you might regret, recognize when you're getting flooded and take a time-out. And since flooding is more typical in men, according to Gottman's research, if you sense that your guy is losing it first, you might use your less-flooded female mind to suggest the time-out yourself.

"My husband is so bullheaded that we'll get to a point in an argument where nothing is being accomplished, and we're getting madder and madder," says Jennifer, 33, a mother of one from New Jersey. "I finally started telling him I needed a break, and I leave the house for an hour. When I come back, he's always much calmer and he actually listens to my side."

If your fights often escalate quickly, try establishing a cease-fire code. "Make a rule that if one of you makes the time-out hand signal, you'll just stop fighting, no questions asked, and step back until you've both calmed down," suggests Tessina. If it's late at night and you think you're better off sleeping, do that. Yep, you heard us right: Sometimes you should just go to bed angry.

One caveat: When you walk away from a fight, don't walk away for good. "The problem for most couples isn't that their fights are too long, but that they're too short," explains Hamburg. "They walk away from the fight because they're worked up, but then abort the fight altogether because it makes them uncomfortable to restart." Make a commitment that you will discuss the issue again when you both have clearer heads.

Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc

for more of the article, go here

What was that?!

2006-12-14T09:56:00.000-06:00

When we first bought this house, I wondered it if would be haunted. I don't know if either of the people who lived here before died in the house (probably not) but I've heard stories about the old lady, and she sounds like the type who would like to haunt her old house. I don't REALLY believe in ghosts, but I have an overly active imagination, so I like to consider the possibility.

I have been hearing noises lately...and with a cat and a dog, usually one of them is the creator of the noises. The creepy thing is, I'll hear a crash, like a large pile of stuff falling, but when I go to investigate, nothing has been moved. That has happened at least 5 times. This morning I heard a drawer in the bathroom open. I thought maybe it was a dream, but Eric called me right after that, and he didn't wake me up, I don't think it was a dream. I was scared to get up, so when it was a little lighter outside and I was still on the phone with Eric (my logic was if there is someone in my bathroom and they knock me out or kill me, Eric will hear it -- I watch too much TV:) I did get up. I looked in, and no one was there of course. All the drawers were shut...which I heard one open, but not shut.

Okay, I am aware that it's all in my head, but it's something I do...another scary thing is when I hear a noise and the dog and cat are both in bed with me...

I am beer

2006-12-08T14:54:00.000-06:00

You Are Beer!

You don't need to get totally wasted when you hit the bars.More of a social drinker, you just like to have fun with your friends.And as long as the beer keeps flowing, you're a happy camper.But don't mix things up: "Beer Before Liquor, Never Been Sicker!"

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatalcoholicdrinkareyouquiz/">What Alcoholic Drink Are You?

Eating Tips for the Holidays

2006-12-06T13:39:00.000-06:00

I stole this from a friend's blog. It's hilarious, and pretty much my holiday rules.

Eating Tips for The Holidays

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"

"Joy is the serious business of heaven." --C.S. Lewis

2006-11-30T07:53:00.000-06:00

I did devotions for the staff meeting this week, and I read to them part of a chapter on joy in the book The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg. Honestly, I haven't finished the book, it was for a class, and I just didn't get it done, but not because it isn't interesting! I found myself having a hard time cutting down the chapter for devotions, because it's so insightful, and joy is one of my favorite subjects.

But in the book he says "We will never understand the significance of joy in human life until we understand its importance to God." He quotes G.K. Chesterton, who says:

Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, "Do it again"; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, "Do it again" to the sun; and every evening, "Do it again" to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we.

I find joy in that thought! That God would find joy in the smallest, most monotonous things. If God can do that, can't I find joy in driving to work? In waiting in line at the grocery store? I feed my pets every morning, isn't there joy in that? In the past I have tried to make it a point to recognize beauty in all its forms, now I think I will search for joy in monotony.

Thanks and Praise!

2006-11-25T19:35:00.000-06:00

Things I'm thankful for:

1. My amazing God who has given me everything and helped me grow so much this year!

2. My family -- I'm truly blessed to have all my grandparents alive and well for the most part. I don't know how long that will last, and I need to communicate with them more! I still have so much to learn from them!

3. I have my own little house, a great job that challenges me, and amazing friends...even if they don't live close by, they are still there for me, and I for them!

4. bright red nail polish...it just makes me feel good:)

5. The opportunity to date a good man.

6. My pets...truly, sometimes animals are better to have around than people. My big dog, crazy though he may be, protects me, listens to me, consoles me, unconditionally loves me, and sometimes he holds me, hehehehe! And the cat is a cuddle bug, what's better than that?

7. Beer. I just really like it.

8. Having so many opportunities this year to laugh. I've laughed more this year than I had in a long, long time. The Joy of the Lord is my strength!!

9. The fact that my church is paying for me to go to seminary. My professors are the most wonderful people, I'm learning so much from them. Chapel has become something I'm hungry for -- the active worship that occurs every single week truly feeds me! And all this with no loans or worrying about money.

10. I am enough!! I have never felt this way before, and it's so empowering to know I can take care of myself! There are still things I'm figuring out, but the transition to single life has been a very good one!!

Driving Miss Holdzkom

2006-11-21T13:59:00.000-06:00

I got my new license today! Yes, I have been driving around with a false drivers license (with my married name) for nearly four months now. I have gone several times to get a new one, but it has always been at the wrong time, when the BMV was closed. Or maybe I'd feel like doing it and wouldn't have all the proper paperwork with me, so instead of, oh I don't know, going home and getting it, I'd just put it off for another day.

Just one more step towards complete autonomy...I'm close now, I can taste it!

You can't go back

2006-11-18T18:23:00.000-06:00

I've debated whether or not I wanted to post this, but I have to get it out of my head, because it's really bothering me.

So I went to Huntington last night to see my guy friends. Aparently it was supposed to be "guys night" which included me...I have some thoughts on that to start with. In high school, I was in a weird place with these guys, because I was "one of the guys" but at the same time, I was also told "you're a chick, Bec" so I didn't get included in all their activities. Some of them I definitely did not want to be a part of, including but not limited to the streaking incidents and the peeing off the I69 overpass incidents. Hehe:)

But the fact is that one of my very best friends from high school is Lianna, a girl who married one of the guys mentioned above. I wanted to see and hang out with the guys, but I also wanted to see Lianna! She's my girl, and she's been through some serious shit lately and I wanted to catch up.

First the guys and I went to a bar to chat, and have some beer. It was pleasant -- they wanted to know about the divorce, and if they should beat up my ex-husband, which was sweet I guess. Then we went to Matt and Lianna's house. Lianna didn't know we were coming, and was not excited to see us -- partly because she can't stand the other guy, and partly because she hadn't gotten a chance to clean -- as if we cared:) I understand that feeling, though. So we got to chat, but the other guy was getting annoyed with me because I wanted to talk to Lianna and not him. Granted, in high school and even college, I was hopelessly devoted to this guy and that's what he was used to, but geez! Let a girl catch up with her girl!

I don't even remember what I said to spark it, but he got really pissed at me and called me a bitch. It wasn't in a playful way either, he said I was a bitch twice and asked if that was what my ex-husband had said. If he had gotten sick of my being a bitch and that's why we got a divorce. Of course I had told him the story, he knew what had happened, he was just pushing buttons -- his specialty. I had had three beers, and part of a smirnoff ice, so my emotions were a little off kilter, but it stung. I had to fight back the tears, and I didn't say anything, which is my natural reaction after being married to an angry man for four years. Then my "friend" said, "oh and don't be submissive, I hate that shit." I'm telling you, if I hadn't been tipsy at that moment, I would have left.

The conversation went on, and he was normal to me again, but let me tell you this. I put up with that kind of shit for 4 years with my ex-husband, and I'm sick to my stomach that I didn't stand up for myself. I don't need this from people I see once a year. I'm done. I don't care if he meant it or not, I don't need it.

music funk

2006-11-17T14:03:00.000-06:00

I need new music!! I'm sick of my music. I don't even know what I want, I just want new. Recommend something to me! What's your favorite CD right now, or artist? What music moves you?

I'm in a piano mood...

Of course it's the holiday season and I can't really spend money on myself at the moment...plus the library is mad at me for keeping the Me First CD for 2 months and counting (it was due back after two weeks)...but still, I'm desperate. I have been listening to a lot of remade stuff lately, and I want original. I want classic. I need to be inspired by music...especially with all the driving I've been doing lately.

Randoming

2006-11-17T10:31:00.000-06:00

I have come to the conclusion that the weather greatly affects my mood...
Doesn't seem like a great revelation, but I think I've been in denial. I didn't want to be that easily manipulated, but manipulate me the weather does.

Today is beautiful. I feel tremendous.

I'm going to Huntington tonight to see a couple guy friends from high school. I'm mildly interested in seeing them, it's really more a matter of keeping myself busy so I don't pine too much. I love being able to see so many of my friends, but it's taking a toll on my gas tank, and therefore my wallet. I think more of you should come see me! :)

I just got a text plan, so I can text all I want! Well, I already was, but now it will be affordable! Now I feel like I need to make sure I send or receive at least 100 texts every month to make it worth the plan. So text me! I'll text back! If you don't know my number but you want it, let me know and I'll email it to you. Unless you're some creep I don't know, then forget about it.

I'm pretty excited that two of my new favorite shows will be on the same night starting next week -- The Office and Scrubs. 30 Rock is also funny, but only because of Alec Baldwin. The Office was pretty hilarious last night. If you don't watch it, you should.

Scrubs quote

2006-11-16T22:45:00.000-06:00

"Claus, why is it that in your country, Hamburg and Frankfort have nothing to do with hamburgers and hotdogs?"

"Why is it that your Lake Titicaca is not filled with booooobs and pooooop?"

hahahahahahahahahaha!
Scrubs rocks.

what a guy...

2006-11-16T22:04:00.000-06:00

Finally talked to Eric tonight, last time was Tuesday I think, seems like years!! He misses me "bigger than life" and he says "I'm homesick for my Becca"...wow, I feel sooo great right now (besides the fact that I really miss him too!)...maybe this California vacation is a good thing for us after all...

I found out when I will be able to see him -- Sunday. I thought he was getting home on Saturday, but no. Sunday. But he said he would make it work, and I said I'd do whatever it takes, so hopefully we'll get to see each other.

Falling harder all the time...and hopes climbing higher.

office space

2006-11-16T13:53:00.000-06:00

Okay, I now need to vent about my job. It's amazing what you can release when you aren't worried about who is going to read it!

First and foremost, I love working with youth. Junior and senior high kids are just the best, and I always have a good time with them! They really are my friends, which my pastor says is what makes me so effective. However, I've felt some not so fuzzy feelings lately, and I need to vent...

1) Knowing where to draw the line between "friend" and "mentor"...as in, where do I stop being the friend and become the leader...I know there has to be a distinction, I'm just not sure where exactly that line goes. Due to recent romantic advancements and the youthie response to it, I am keeping more to myself.

2) Staff. There are exactly two people on the church staff I feel close with, people I feel like I can talk to about personal matters. My pastor, and the head of finance. I feel like a total outsider on staff. They don't talk to me, I don't talk to them. It's very uncomfortable, and as I told my pastor, I feel like a lot of it is my own fault. I keep to myself, so others may not feel comfortable talking to me, either. But we're supposed to be a ministry team...I don't like feeling as though they would judge me if they knew more about me.

3) Living a life worthy of my Call...do I? It was an issue raised in one of my classes, and I'm just not sure...sometimes I feel like I'm doing fine, and other times I feel like I am a terrible person to be put in charge of young, growing minds. I don't want others to judge me, but that might be because when I judge myself, I find I'm not the person I could be...I'm not always the sort of person I want my youthies to be.

4) Motivation -- seriously lacking it in the work arena these days. I don't feel I'm doing my best job. I feel like I don't deserve this job, because I don't have the education or experience a full time youth director should have. I feel like I've faked it for a year and now I'm close to being found out. At the same time, I do feel I'm gifted in youth ministry, but I can't rely on my own gifts forever -- I need resources, education, and yeah motivation.

I talked to my pastor about some of these things a few nights ago. His support means a lot to me and makes me feel like I'm doing a good job, or at least, he thinks I'm doing a good job. I feel like I need to do better, though. And yet, here I am, writing a blog on work time...

U R on my mind

2006-11-16T11:40:00.000-06:00

So here I am. Amy said I should have a blog that my youth kids don't know about, and here it is. This way I can express myself and not censor what I really want to say for their benefit. She will probably be the only one to read it for awhile, and I'm cool with that because it's more of a release for myself than for anything else. It is also nice that my ex-husband can't look at it, either...

Here's what's on my mind at the moment. Eric. Of course, ever since October 20, he's been the one thing that's ALWAYS on my mind, but since he's been in California, we haven't communicated as much as the previous three weeks, so I've had more time to think about it without sharing with him what I'm thinking...(that was a nice long run-on...)

It's funny how, when I was dating people I subconciously knew were not right for me, it was easy to chalk it up to being "too early after the divorce". Which of course it was, and it probably still is, if I'm being completely honest. But at the moment, I'm thinking Eric is damn near just what I wasn't looking for...I mean, I wasn't looking for Mr. Right, but maybe I found him. Of course, I still need time to be sure it's true, but this man is amazing.

Here's what is so great about him -- I can be myself and he lets me know how much he likes that person! He understands the fact that sometimes a girl just needs to hear "I miss you". He is genuine, he knows himself and is confident. He is respectful -- when I have an opinion or make a decision, whether he agrees or not, he is supportive! He holds me accountable -- he makes sure I don't drink too much if I'm going to have to drive, and tells me when I should probably get off the phone and study (but in a way I can respond to, not get offended by). Looking back at all the guys I've ever dated (which really isn't a very long list) he is the one and only person who makes me feel like I'm a better person for being with them. I've always wondered what that feels like...

You know that part of When Harry Met Sally where he runs to her, and says, "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." I think that is the weird, melancholy feeling I've had lately. Well, not that serious, but similar. I feel ready to be more serious with Eric, and since I've discovered that, I want to see him so badly! I want to at least know when I will get to see him next.

Of course...I've given this relationship to God, so I have to let it happen on God's terms...which seems to mean letting Eric take control of when things should get more serious. I'm okay with that...kind of, but yeah, okay I'm fine with it. I think he probably feels similar to how I feel, hope so anyway. That doesn't change the fact that I really want to see him, soon.